Trauma can leave deep emotional scars, often affecting how people connect with others. When the nervous system is dysregulated from past trauma, it becomes challenging to form healthy, secure relationships. However, with the right conditions—like trust, boundaries, and emotional containment—relationships can help heal trauma. The Polyvagal Theory, which explains how our nervous system responds to stress, is key to understanding how we can use relationships to heal.
How Trauma Affects the Nervous System
For trauma survivors, the nervous system often remains stuck in fight-or-flight or freeze modes (sympathetic or dorsal vagal), making it hard to feel safe, seen and calm in relationships. The good news is that with the right kind of relationship, it’s possible to move toward healing by re-regulating the nervous system.
Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories—it reshapes how our nervous system operates (Porges, 2009). After overwhelming or threatening experiences, the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls our physiological responses to safety and danger, can become chronically dysregulated. This dysregulation makes it difficult for trauma survivors to feel safe in their bodies or in connection with others, even long after the traumatic event has passed (Porges, 2011).
According to the Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, the ANS has three main states:
Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): We feel regulated, calm, socially engaged, and capable of trusting others.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Activated in the face of perceived danger, this state readies the body for action: heart rate increases, muscles tense, and we become hyper-alert or anxious.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Freeze): When escape or defence feels impossible, the system can collapse into immobility, leading to numbness, emotional withdrawal, and disconnection.
For many trauma survivors, the nervous system can become “stuck” in chronic sympathetic activation (anxiety, agitation, hypervigilance) or dorsal vagal shutdown (numbness, depression, dissociation). These states are adaptive, meaning they were once necessary for survival, but over time they can disrupt relationships, emotional expression, and a sense of self (Porges, 2009).
Healing is possible, and relationships can play a powerful role. When we experience safe, attuned connections that include trust, consistent boundaries, and emotional containment, our nervous system can begin to shift. Over time, these experiences help rewire the brain and body for connection over protection, allowing us to return to a state of regulation (Porges 2003).
This is why trauma-informed therapeutic relationships—and personal relationships grounded in safety—are essential in helping people move from survival into healing.
Co-Regulation in Relationships
In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people can help regulate each other’s emotions—a process known as co-regulation (Butler & Randal, 2012). When one partner is feeling overwhelmed or anxious, the other can offer calmness, empathy, and support. This helps to shift the nervous system from a state of fear or stress into one of safety and connection. Through this process, both individuals can begin to heal their nervous systems and move toward healthier emotional states.
Safety, Boundaries, and Emotional Containment
For trauma survivors, the first step in healing is feeling safe. This goes beyond just physical safety—it means creating emotional security. Trauma can make people feel constantly on edge, hypervigilant, or unable to trust others. In a relationship that prioritises clear boundaries and containment, the nervous system can begin to settle.
Setting boundaries allows individuals to feel safe because they know what to expect from each other. Healthy boundaries communicate respect and trust, which helps to regulate emotions. Without boundaries, the nervous system remains on high alert, but with them, there’s room for relaxation and connection.
Empathy and Compassion: Healing Together
One of the most powerful ways relationships can help heal trauma is through empathy. When partners can understand and respond to each other’s emotional states with care and compassion, they activate the ventral vagal system, which encourages calm and connection. A simple, empathetic response, such as listening without judgment or offering comforting words, can help soothe a dysregulated nervous system and restore a sense of safety.
Vulnerability and Open Communication
Open communication and vulnerability are essential in healing from trauma. When a partner feels heard, seen, and understood, their nervous system can shift from sensing threat into a state of calm. Vulnerability in relationships means expressing feelings honestly and being open about emotional needs. This not only builds trust but also fosters an environment where both partners feel safe to share their experiences, taking responsibility for what is theirs while remaining open and accepting of the others’ boundaries.
It can be difficult to communicate when we feel triggered, but having a partner who listens without judgment makes a huge difference. It’s through this kind of communication that relationships evolve into safe spaces where both people can heal.
Containment: Holding Space for Each Other
In the healing process, containment refers to the ability to hold space for another person’s emotions without trying to fix them or rush the process. Trauma survivors often need emotional space to express their feelings, and this process is best supported when the other partner is calm and non-reactive.
A relationship that offers empathy, support, and emotional containment can provide the perfect environment for trauma survivors to heal. These relationships allow individuals to shift their nervous systems from chronic stress states into a more grounded, safe space where true emotional connection can take place. Over time, with mutual care and effort, trauma survivors can rebuild their ability to trust, connect, and experience emotional intimacy.
It’s Never Too Late to Begin Healing
No matter how much time has passed or how entrenched trauma feels, it is never too late to begin healing through healthy relationships. By learning how to co-regulate, set boundaries, communicate openly, and contain each other’s emotions, individuals can create relationships that promote emotional healing.
Healing from trauma takes patience and effort, but the power of a supportive relationship cannot be underestimated. With the right tools, such as emotional containment and nervous system regulation, relationships become a space where both partners can grow, heal, and create deeper, more meaningful connections. Trauma doesn’t have to define the way we relate to others, and with the right foundation, it’s possible to build the kind of relationship that promotes healing, safety, and emotional resilience.
References
Butler, E.A., & Randall, A.K. (2012). Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, 5(2), 202-210. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073912451630
Porges, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x.
Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1301.004.
Porges S.W. (2009). The polyvagal theory: new insights into adaptive reactions of the autonomic nervous system. Cleveland Clinic journal of medicine, 76 Suppl 2(Suppl 2), S86–S90. https://doi.org/10.3949/ccjm.76.s2.17
Porges, S.W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton.