Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, gave us a map of how our early relationships shape the way we connect with others later in life. For people with avoidant attachment, early experiences of emotional unavailability can create a defence mechanism that lasts into adulthood (Bowlby, 1988). Avoidant individuals often distance themselves emotionally, preferring to rely on themselves rather than risk being vulnerable. This behavioural pattern is not just an emotional response—it’s deeply connected to the regulation of their nervous system. And while healing from avoidant attachment might seem daunting, it’s absolutely possible through boundary-setting, nervous system regulation, and emotional containment.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
The avoidant attachment style is a response to early caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. As babies, these children learned that their attempts for comfort were often ignored or met with indifference. In response, they adapted by suppressing their emotional needs and developing an internal belief that they could only rely on themselves.
As adults, the effects of this early experience show up as emotional distance in relationships. Avoidant individuals have a nervous system that’s conditioned to shut down during times of emotional distress. They may keep others at arm’s length, fearing that intimacy and emotional closeness will lead to hurt or disappointment (Wardecker et al., 2016). This is a classic case of how a dysregulated nervous system, shaped by early attachment experiences, influences adult relationships (Porges, 2003).
Avoidant Attachment in Adult Relationships
In relationships, people with avoidant attachment often seem cool, calm, and collected, but beneath that exterior, they are typically emotionally disconnected. They don’t lean on their partners for comfort and struggle to open up about their feelings. This emotional distance is a way of self-protecting, a shield formed to avoid the vulnerability that intimacy requires (Sagone, 2023).
Here are some ways avoidant attachment manifests in relationships:
Emotional Distance: Avoidant individuals often struggle to share their feelings. Their discomfort with vulnerability keeps them from expressing emotional needs or seeking support, even from a partner they love. Their nervous system, trained to stay closed off from emotional connection, might make it feel physically uncomfortable to engage deeply.
Prioritising Independence: Because their caregivers were unavailable or unresponsive, avoidant individuals often value their independence above all else. They have a deep-seated fear of losing their autonomy, and this fear triggers a flight response when emotional closeness arises. The need to preserve their independence often translates into pushing partners away when the relationship becomes too emotionally intense.
Difficulty with Vulnerability: For someone with an avoidant attachment style, vulnerability can feel like stepping into a minefield. Their nervous system has learned that emotional closeness equals emotional pain. Therefore, they suppress their feelings, convinced that being open will lead to rejection or disappointment.
Conflict Avoidance: When issues arise in the relationship, avoidant individuals may choose to shut down rather than engage. The very thought of emotional confrontation can trigger a fight-or-flight response in their nervous system. They may avoid difficult conversations, leaving problems unresolved and causing emotional distance to deepen.
The Cycle of Emotional Withdrawal
The cycle of emotional disconnection in relationships with an avoidant partner is often self-perpetuating. When an avoidant person withdraws, their partner typically tries to close the emotional gap, seeking more connection. But this only amplifies the avoidant person’s sense of overwhelm, leading them to retreat further. This back-and-forth can create significant tension and frustration on both sides, as the avoidant individual becomes more distant, and the partner feels rejected and unimportant.
This dynamic is a direct result of the nervous system’s response to emotional intimacy. For the avoidant person, their body and mind have been conditioned to see emotional closeness as a threat—something to be avoided at all costs. This is where the concept of containment comes in. In healthy relationships, both partners can provide each other with emotional containment, creating a safe space where vulnerability can be slowly explored and emotional needs can be met. Without this containment, avoidant individuals are more likely to withdraw, reinforcing the cycle of emotional disconnection.
The Role of Nervous System Regulation
One of the key pieces of healing avoidant attachment lies in nervous system regulation. The nervous system of someone with avoidant attachment has been shaped by early experiences of emotional neglect, leaving them with a “hyper-aroused” or “shut down” nervous system when it comes to emotional intimacy. Learning to regulate the nervous system through practices like mindfulness, deep breathing, and somatic experiencing can help individuals with avoidant attachment break free from this response.
Nervous system regulation is about learning to manage overwhelming emotions rather than suppressing them. By intentionally calming the nervous system, avoidant individuals can slowly shift their response to intimacy from withdrawal to connection. Practices like grounding, deep breathing, and other self-soothing techniques help to create a calm and contained emotional space, making it easier to stay present during vulnerable moments with a partner.
Boundaries and Containment: The Key to Healing
An important part of emotional healing for avoidant individuals is learning how to set and respect boundaries—both for themselves and in relationships. This is a critical aspect of containment. Setting boundaries allows individuals to feel safe enough to engage in emotional intimacy at their own pace, without feeling overwhelmed.
In relationships, it’s vital to have a partner who understands the importance of boundaries and who can offer containment without becoming overwhelmed themselves. A partner who respects emotional space while also being present can help the avoidant individual feel safe enough to explore vulnerability and intimacy.
For someone with avoidant attachment, this might look like communicating openly about what feels comfortable and what feels like too much. For example, an avoidant partner might need space after an emotional conversation or might need time to process feelings before sharing them. By honouring these boundaries and allowing emotional regulation to take place, both partners can create a healthier dynamic of trust and emotional closeness.
Healing the Avoidant Attachment Style
While avoidant attachment presents unique challenges, healing is absolutely possible. The key is to gradually build emotional awareness, practice vulnerability, and incorporate emotional regulation techniques into daily life. Here are a few steps that can aid in the healing process:
Develop Emotional Awareness: The first step is becoming aware of one’s emotions. Practising mindfulness, journaling, or talking with a therapist can help avoidant individuals become more in tune with their feelings and better able to communicate them to others.
Start Small with Vulnerability: Opening up emotionally may feel like a threat, but vulnerability is essential for intimacy. Begin with small steps—sharing a feeling, expressing a thought—and gradually increase emotional openness. Over time, these small actions will help desensitise the nervous system to emotional closeness.
Therapy and Somatic Practices: Therapy, especially attachment-based or trauma-informed therapy, can be an essential part of healing avoidant attachment. Therapy can help explore the root causes of emotional withdrawal and introduce techniques for nervous system regulation, like breathing exercises or body-based practices (such as yoga or somatic experiencing), that help the individual reconnect to their emotions safely.
Create Safe Relationships: Building healthy relationships based on respect, boundaries, and containment is essential for healing. A partner who understands the avoidant style and can provide emotional space will help foster a sense of safety and security, making emotional intimacy possible.
It’s Never Too Late to Heal
Avoidant attachment is often the result of early emotional neglect, and it can create significant challenges in adult relationships. However, with a focus on nervous system regulation, emotional containment, and healthy boundaries, individuals with avoidant attachment can learn to build secure and emotionally fulfilling relationships. It’s never too late to begin healing—by creating safe spaces, practising vulnerability, and managing emotions, individuals can break the cycle of emotional withdrawal and build stronger, more connected relationships.
References
Porges, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x
Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47
https://nyaspubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1196/annals.1301.004
Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL. (2003) Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults-A Cross-Sectional Study.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10047625/
Sheinbaum T, Kwapil TR, Ballespí S, Mitjavila M, Chun CA, Silvia PJ, Barrantes-Vidal N. Attachment style predicts affect, cognitive appraisals, and social functioning in daily life. Front Psychology. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4364085/#:~:text=In%20contrast%2C%20compared%20to%20secure,differentiate%20less%20between%20close%20and
Wardecker, B.M., Chopik, W.J., Moors, A.C., Edelstein, R.S. (2016). Avoidant Attachment Style. In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_2015-1