Attachment theory, introduced by John Bowlby, sheds light on the profound impact that early childhood relationships have on our emotional and psychological development (Bowlby, 1988). Central to this theory is the idea that our earliest connections with our caregivers – usually our mothers – lay the groundwork for how we will relate to others throughout our lives. In particular, the anxious attachment style – which often stems from inconsistent caregiving – can have a lasting influence on relationships, especially when it comes to emotional regulation and healing after trauma.
The Roots of Anxious Attachment: Trauma and Emotional Regulation
Anxious attachment often emerges from attachment trauma—when a caregiver’s emotional availability is unpredictable. For a child, this inconsistency in caregiving creates confusion, anxiety, and a fear of abandonment. At the core of anxious attachment is the child’s difficulty regulating their own emotional responses because they were not consistently soothed in their early years. Over time, the child learns that in order to feel safe, they must alter their behaviour to make sure they receive love.
This causes nervous system dysregulation, which affects the child’s ability to self-soothe and manage emotions in future relationships. Emotional resilience after trauma can be a challenging skill to develop, but it is essential for healing anxious attachment and improving relationship dynamics.
As adults, those of us with an anxious attachment style may find it difficult to regulate our emotions in relationships, especially when we fear rejection or abandonment (Lahousen et al., 2018). This can manifest as a seemingly irrational need for closeness or validation, both of which are rooted in the need to feel emotionally secure. However, this behavior often causes tension in relationships, as the intense demand for reassurance can overwhelm our partners, creating a cycle of anxiety and emotional distress.
Why Anxiously Attached Individuals Repeat Unhealthy Cycles
One of the most challenging aspects of anxious attachment is the tendency to repeat harmful relationship patterns (Speranza et al., 2022). Those of us with anxious attachments often find ourselves in relationships that reinforce our fears of abandonment, creating a cycle that feels impossible to break. The reason we attract the same relationships, whether with emotionally unavailable partners or people who are inconsistent in their love and care, can be traced back to unresolved attachment trauma.
The inner child often remains unconsciously drawn to relationships that mirror early trauma, as this is familiar, even if it’s painful. This can lead to the repeating of toxic relationship patterns—whether through choosing emotionally distant partners, remaining in unhealthy relationships, or trying to fix someone else’s emotional wounds as a way to avoid facing our own.
Breaking these cycles is a critical part of healing anxious attachment. It requires not only emotional regulation but also a shift in the way we perceive our own self-worth in relationships. Healing emotional abandonment wounds and rebuilding trust after childhood trauma are essential parts of this process. As we heal our attachment wounds, we begin to form healthier, more secure relationships which are based on mutual trust and emotional availability rather than fear and insecurity.
Healing Attachment Trauma: Overcoming Anxious Attachment in Relationships
Healing attachment trauma is a difficult but achievable process that involves understanding the roots of our anxious attachment and learning how to create more secure emotional bonds. The foundation of this healing often begins with therapy, particularly trauma-informed therapy, which helps us understand how early attachment wounds shape our present-day behaviors. For those of us with anxious attachment, this means learning how to regulate our emotions and break free from toxic relationship patterns.
Understanding the Polyvagal Theory can also help healing. According to the Polyvagal Theory, the nervous system plays a critical role in our ability to feel safe and connected (Porges, 1995). Learning to regulate the nervous system through tools like breathwork, mindfulness, and grounding techniques can significantly impact how we relate to others. This type of work helps regulate the nervous system by allowing those of us with trauma to shift out of a survival state and create more secure, grounded connections (Porges, 2003).
Personal Healing and Growth: Rebuilding Trust and Self-Worth
For adults with anxious attachment, understanding how trauma affects self-worth in relationships is an essential step in the healing journey. Those with anxious attachment often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and a fear that they are unworthy of love or attention. These negative beliefs about ourselves are rooted in early attachment experiences where our emotional needs were either inconsistently met or ignored. This, in turn, can lead to a lack of self-worth and difficulty trusting others.
Therapy plays a pivotal role in helping people process past trauma, develop emotional resilience, challenge these negative beliefs, and build healthy relationships. Healing attachment trauma is not just about learning to regulate emotions; it’s about learning to trust our own inner worth and ability to create lasting, secure connections.
The Path Toward Secure Attachment: Trauma-Informed Therapy and Healing
Healing from anxious attachment requires patience, commitment, and a willingness to understand abandonment fears. By learning strategies in nervous system regulation and focusing on healthy boundaries and containment, daily life can become more manageable and gradually, attachment wounds will begin to heal. By recognising how early attachment experiences influence our emotional responses, we can teach ourselves strategies for regulating emotions in relationships.
Practices like mindfulness, meditation, and breathwork can help those of us with anxious attachment learn to regulate our nervous systems, reducing anxiety and creating space for healthier relationship dynamics. These practices, or tools, can help us become more attuned to our bodily sensations and emotions, grounding us and allowing us to create a stronger sense of safety within ourselves and our relationships.
By committing to self-healing, breaking unhealthy patterns, and learning to regulate emotions, those with anxious attachment can begin to build the emotional resilience needed for healthy, loving relationships. Overcoming anxious attachment is not only about healing past wounds but also about creating a future where one can feel secure, loved, and truly connected to others.
Transforming Attachment, Transforming Relationships
With boundaries, containment, and strategies for nervous system regulation, we can prevent past trauma from overwhelming the present. Those with anxious attachment can break free from patterns of emotional instability and create deeper, more meaningful connections with others. The key lies in creating trust – in both oneself and others – and in learning how to self-soothe in ways that are healthy, grounded, and sustainable. It’s through this process that individuals with anxious attachment can move toward secure, loving relationships and emotional healing after trauma.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss: Volume 1. Attachment, New York, Basic Books.
Bowlby, J. (1973) Attachment and Loss: Volume 2. Separation: Anxiety and Anger, New York, Basic Books.
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, New York, Basic Books.
Lahousen T, Unterrainer HF, Kapfhammer HP. Psychobiology of Attachment and Trauma-Some General Remarks From a Clinical Perspective. Front Psychiatry. 2019 Dec 12;10:914. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00914. PMID: 31920761; PMCID: PMC6920243.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6920243/
PORGES, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x
Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47.
https://nyaspubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1196/annals.1301.004
Speranza, A.M. et al. (2022) ‘The role of complex trauma and attachment patterns in intimate partner violence’, Frontiers in Psychology, 12. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.769584.
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.769584/full