Polyvagal Theory – Benjamin Fry

Relationships Adrift: How Trauma Can Stifle Communication and How to Build Space for Healthy Conflict

Benjamin Fry — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 09:00:52 +0000

In our closest relationships, communication is often described as the lifeforce that sustains connection, understanding, and intimacy. Yet, for many, trauma can disrupt this vital flow, leaving partners feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or emotionally adrift. Trauma, especially when unaddressed, can stifle communication in profound ways—manifesting as withdrawal, reactivity, or even avoidance of conflict altogether. Understanding how trauma impacts relational dynamics and learning to build safe spaces for healthy conflict are crucial steps toward healing and deeper connection.

The Hidden Weight of Trauma in Relationships

Trauma, broadly defined as overwhelming experiences that exceed an individual’s capacity to cope, is rarely contained solely within the individual. As Judith Herman, a foundational trauma expert, explains in Trauma and Recovery (1992), trauma shatters a person’s sense of safety and trust, impairing their ability to regulate emotions and relate to others in healthy ways. This disruption inevitably affects intimate relationships, which rely heavily on trust and vulnerability.

Peter Levine, known for his work in somatic experiencing, emphasises how trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. In Waking the Tiger (1997), Levine argues that unresolved trauma dysregulates the nervous system, leading to hyperarousal or dissociation states that disrupt healthy and clear communication. When nervous system dysregulation occurs, even small disagreements can escalate into overwhelming conflict or emotional shutdown.

Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score (2014), expands on this idea by showing how trauma reshapes brain function, particularly areas responsible for emotional regulation and social engagement. He notes that trauma survivors often struggle with emotional expression and attunement, which can create a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and conflict avoidance in relationships.

How Trauma Stifles Communication

In trauma-affected relationships, communication breakdown often emerges in three primary ways:

Hypervigilance and Reactivity: Trauma survivors may respond to perceived threats with intense fear or anger. This hypervigilance makes conflict feel unsafe, triggering defensive or aggressive behaviours that shut down dialogue.
Emotional Numbing and Dissociation: To avoid overwhelming feelings, some may disconnect from their emotions altogether, making it difficult to express needs or listen empathically.
Fear of Abandonment or Betrayal: Deep fears of rejection can cause individuals to either withdraw or cling excessively, neither of which supports healthy communication or conflict resolution.

Gabor Maté, a leading expert on trauma and addiction, highlights the role of early attachment wounds in shaping these patterns. In his work, Maté asserts that trauma disrupts the essential emotional attunement between caregiver and child, which lays the groundwork for future relational capacities. When this foundation is shaky, adult relationships often replicate those early dynamics, marked by mistrust, miscommunication, and conflict avoidance.

The Importance of Nervous System Regulation

Central to healing trauma in relationships is the regulation of the nervous system. As Levine and van der Kolk both note, trauma keeps the nervous system “stuck” in fight, flight, or freeze responses. Before meaningful communication can occur, partners need to feel safe both internally and interpersonally.

Nervous system regulation can be cultivated through practices such as mindfulness, breathwork, somatic therapies, and grounding exercises. These techniques help shift the body out of survival mode and into a state of calm readiness, enabling clearer thinking and emotional availability.

Bessel van der Kolk underscores that “feeling safe” in the body is a prerequisite for emotional openness. When partners can co-regulate—help each other return to calm—there is greater space for honest dialogue and the processing of difficult emotions.

Boundaries and Containment: Creating a Safe Space for Conflict

Healing trauma and restoring communication also requires clear boundaries and containment within relationships. Boundaries serve as protective limits that ensure each person feels respected and safe. Judith Herman emphasises the need for containment—creating a relational “container” that holds distress without overwhelming either partner.

Containment involves setting limits around how conflict is expressed and agreeing on ways to pause and self-soothe when emotions run high. This safety framework allows both partners to engage with vulnerability without fearing mistreatment or abandonment.

Boundaries also empower trauma survivors by giving them control over their personal space and emotional availability, which is often compromised by trauma. According to Gabor Maté, establishing boundaries is a crucial act of self-care and healing, enabling individuals to differentiate their own feelings from their partner’s and avoid enmeshment.

Building Space for Healthy Conflict

Conflict, while often feared, is an inevitable and necessary part of intimate relationships. Healthy conflict allows for the expression of differing needs and perspectives, fostering growth and deeper understanding. For trauma-affected couples, building space for such conflict requires intentional strategies:

Prioritise Safety: Begin by creating an environment where both partners feel emotionally and physically safe. This might mean agreeing on “time-outs” when conflict becomes overwhelming or setting ground rules for respectful communication.
Practice Nervous System Awareness: Check in with your body during difficult conversations. If you notice signs of dysregulation (racing heart, shutting down), pause and use grounding techniques before continuing.
Use “I” Statements: Frame concerns in terms of your own feelings and needs rather than blaming or accusing. This reduces defensiveness and invites empathy.
Engage in Active Listening: Reflect back what you hear your partner say to ensure understanding and validate their experience.
Seek Professional Support: Trauma-informed therapy can guide couples in rebuilding trust and communication skills, helping partners navigate the complexities of trauma responses.

Conclusion

Trauma can feel like an invisible anchor weighing down relationships, stifling communication and making conflict seem like a dangerous minefield. Yet, with awareness and intention, couples can transform these challenges into opportunities for healing and growth.

By understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma as highlighted by Judith Herman, Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Gabor Maté, partners can cultivate nervous system regulation, establish boundaries, and create containment. These foundational steps open the door to healthy conflict, where vulnerability is met with safety, and honest communication becomes the pathway to deeper connection.

Healing from trauma within relationships is not about avoiding conflict but learning to hold it with care, respect, and compassion. When partners commit to this work, relationships can move from adrift to anchored, from silence to dialogue, and from isolation to intimacy.

References

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-30136-000

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/waking-the-tiger-healing-trauma/

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf

Maté, G. (2018). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2426971

How Attachment Styles Influence Relationships: Disorganised

Benjamin Fry — Sun, 11 May 2025 08:00:00 +0000

When it comes to human connection, attachment styles shape how we love and relate. Among the four main attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised—the disorganised attachment style is perhaps the most complex and misunderstood. This style, often rooted in early trauma, creates unique relational challenges that can affect intimacy, self-worth, and emotional regulation. Understanding disorganised attachment and how to heal from it requires an integrated approach that addresses the mind and the body—particularly the nervous system. Boundaries and containment also play a crucial role in recovery and creating healthier relationships.

What Is Disorganised Attachment?

Disorganised attachment, sometimes called “fearful-avoidant,” is characterised by a profound inner conflict: the need for connection is deeply felt, but so is a fear of intimacy. This attachment style often stems from childhood environments that were both a source of comfort and fear—such as those involving abuse, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving (Main & Solomon, 1986). Children in such environments may not develop a coherent strategy for seeking safety and closeness, leading to chaotic or contradictory behaviours in adult relationships.

In adulthood, individuals with disorganised attachment might alternate between clinging and distancing, struggle with trust, and have difficulty regulating emotions. These behaviours are not conscious choices but survival adaptations formed early in life. To understand and heal disorganised attachment, it is helpful to look at the role of the nervous system.

The Role of the Nervous System

Trauma, especially relational trauma, imprints itself not only in our memories but also in our biology. According to The Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), the autonomic nervous system governs our responses to safety and threat. For people with disorganised attachment, the nervous system is often dysregulated—frequently shifting between sympathetic arousal (fight or flight) and dorsal vagal shutdown (freeze).

This dysregulation means that even minor relational triggers can provoke seemingly overblown reactions: panic, dissociation, rage, or numbness. Nervous system regulation becomes crucial for healing because it helps individuals develop the capacity to stay present, tolerate emotional discomfort, and build secure connections over time.

Trauma-informed practices and techniques such as breathwork, somatic experiencing (Levine, 2010), learning about triggers and vagus trauma-informed practices can support regulation. Importantly, working with a trauma-informed therapist can create a “co-regulating” relationship, helping the individual learn to calm their system in the presence of another—an essential skill for healthy attachment.

Boundaries: A Path to Safety and Autonomy

People with disorganised attachment often struggle with boundaries, and often flit between being extremely close and firmly distant, either enmeshing with others or erecting rigid walls between them and their partner. This is a learned response: when safety in relationships has historically been unpredictable or dangerous, boundaries become blurred or defensive. However, healing requires relearning what it means to have—and respect—clear, consistent boundaries.

Boundaries are not just about saying “no” but also about knowing what we are responsible for and what we are not. This creates a sense of agency and autonomy, both essential for developing a secure self. Learning to set boundaries can feel threatening at first, especially if we fear abandonment or rejection, but with time, boundaries become a source of empowerment rather than disconnection.

Boundaries also create emotional safety, which is essential for nervous system regulation. When we know our limits and that they will be honoured, we can relax more fully into connection, reducing the fear and hypervigilance that so often accompany disorganised attachment.

Containment: Holding Emotional Experience

Containment, in the context of psychological healing, refers to the ability to “hold” emotional experience without becoming overwhelmed by it. For individuals with disorganised attachment, emotional intensity often feels like a flood—unmanageable and frightening. Without containment, emotions spill out in destructive ways or get buried deep, only to resurface later.

In therapy, containment is partly provided by the therapist, who models emotional regulation and offers a safe space to explore difficult feelings. Over time, the individual internalises this sense of safety, learning to “contain” themselves. This involves developing tools for self-soothing, reflection, and emotional expression that do not rely solely on others for stability.

Containment also intersects with nervous system work: when the body is regulated, the mind is better able to hold complexity without tipping into chaos. This capacity allows for deeper intimacy in relationships, as we are no longer driven by unconscious patterns of reactivity or avoidance.

Healing Is Possible

Healing from disorganised attachment is not linear, nor is it quick. It requires a multidimensional approach that includes relational, psychological, and somatic work. Central to this process is developing secure attachment—a state in which an individual, through therapy and self-awareness, develops the capacity for secure connection despite an insecure early environment (Siegel, 2010).

Key elements of healing include:

Therapeutic Relationships: A trauma-informed therapist provides a reparative experience, offering safety, consistency, and empathy.
Nervous System Regulation: Techniques such as grounding, breathwork, and somatic therapy help build physiological resilience.
Clear Boundaries: Learning to identify and honor personal limits fosters autonomy and reduces relational chaos.
Emotional Containment: Developing the ability to process emotions without overwhelm increases self-trust and stability.

Each of these elements supports the others. For example, better regulation allows for clearer boundaries; clearer boundaries create space for containment; containment reduces reactivity in relationships. Over time, these practices lead to a greater sense of safety in the world and within oneself.

In Relationship: From Chaos to Coherence

Disorganised attachment plays out most vividly in close relationships, where unresolved trauma meets the vulnerability of intimacy. But relationships can also be the safest and most important place to heal. With self-awareness and support, individuals can begin to choose differently—to pause before reacting, to speak their truth with kindness, and to offer themselves the compassion they may never have received.

This is not about becoming perfect. Rather, it’s about becoming present. Healing disorganised attachment means becoming someone who can stay with their experience, who can regulate through difficulty, and who can relate to others from a place of authenticity and care.

Embracing Transformation

Disorganised attachment may be rooted in chaos, but it does not have to define our lives. Through nervous system regulation, the cultivation of healthy boundaries, and the development of emotional containment, healing becomes not just possible but transformative. The path from disorganisation to integration is one of courage—but it leads to a life of deeper connection, greater resilience, and true intimacy.

References:

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=556378

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern: Procedures, findings and implications for the classification of behavior. In T. B. Brazelton, & M. Yogman (Eds.), Affective development in infancy (pp. 95-124). Norwood, NJ: Ablex.
https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=1076926

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W W Norton & Co.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-04659-000

Levine, P. (2010) In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma. North Atlantic Books, Berkeley.
https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=2656772

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
https://colegiopspchubut.com.ar/storage/2024/09/Daniel-J.-Siegel-M.D.-The-Developing-Mind-Third-Edition_-How-Relationships-and-the-Brain-Interact-to-Shape-Who-We-Are.-Bonus-Brilliance-Audio-2020.pdf

How Attachment Styles Influence Relationships: Avoidant

Benjamin Fry — Thu, 24 Apr 2025 14:11:52 +0000

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, gave us a map of how our early relationships shape the way we connect with others later in life. For people with avoidant attachment, early experiences of emotional unavailability can create a defence mechanism that lasts into adulthood (Bowlby, 1988). Avoidant individuals often distance themselves emotionally, preferring to rely on themselves rather than risk being vulnerable. This behavioural pattern is not just an emotional response—it’s deeply connected to the regulation of their nervous system. And while healing from avoidant attachment might seem daunting, it’s absolutely possible through boundary-setting, nervous system regulation, and emotional containment.

What is Avoidant Attachment?

The avoidant attachment style is a response to early caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. As babies, these children learned that their attempts for comfort were often ignored or met with indifference. In response, they adapted by suppressing their emotional needs and developing an internal belief that they could only rely on themselves.

As adults, the effects of this early experience show up as emotional distance in relationships. Avoidant individuals have a nervous system that’s conditioned to shut down during times of emotional distress. They may keep others at arm’s length, fearing that intimacy and emotional closeness will lead to hurt or disappointment (Wardecker et al., 2016). This is a classic case of how a dysregulated nervous system, shaped by early attachment experiences, influences adult relationships (Porges, 2003).

Avoidant Attachment in Adult Relationships

In relationships, people with avoidant attachment often seem cool, calm, and collected, but beneath that exterior, they are typically emotionally disconnected. They don’t lean on their partners for comfort and struggle to open up about their feelings. This emotional distance is a way of self-protecting, a shield formed to avoid the vulnerability that intimacy requires (Sagone, 2023).

Here are some ways avoidant attachment manifests in relationships:

Emotional Distance: Avoidant individuals often struggle to share their feelings. Their discomfort with vulnerability keeps them from expressing emotional needs or seeking support, even from a partner they love. Their nervous system, trained to stay closed off from emotional connection, might make it feel physically uncomfortable to engage deeply.

Prioritising Independence: Because their caregivers were unavailable or unresponsive, avoidant individuals often value their independence above all else. They have a deep-seated fear of losing their autonomy, and this fear triggers a flight response when emotional closeness arises. The need to preserve their independence often translates into pushing partners away when the relationship becomes too emotionally intense.

Difficulty with Vulnerability: For someone with an avoidant attachment style, vulnerability can feel like stepping into a minefield. Their nervous system has learned that emotional closeness equals emotional pain. Therefore, they suppress their feelings, convinced that being open will lead to rejection or disappointment.

Conflict Avoidance: When issues arise in the relationship, avoidant individuals may choose to shut down rather than engage. The very thought of emotional confrontation can trigger a fight-or-flight response in their nervous system. They may avoid difficult conversations, leaving problems unresolved and causing emotional distance to deepen.

The Cycle of Emotional Withdrawal

The cycle of emotional disconnection in relationships with an avoidant partner is often self-perpetuating. When an avoidant person withdraws, their partner typically tries to close the emotional gap, seeking more connection. But this only amplifies the avoidant person’s sense of overwhelm, leading them to retreat further. This back-and-forth can create significant tension and frustration on both sides, as the avoidant individual becomes more distant, and the partner feels rejected and unimportant.

This dynamic is a direct result of the nervous system’s response to emotional intimacy. For the avoidant person, their body and mind have been conditioned to see emotional closeness as a threat—something to be avoided at all costs. This is where the concept of containment comes in. In healthy relationships, both partners can provide each other with emotional containment, creating a safe space where vulnerability can be slowly explored and emotional needs can be met. Without this containment, avoidant individuals are more likely to withdraw, reinforcing the cycle of emotional disconnection.

The Role of Nervous System Regulation

One of the key pieces of healing avoidant attachment lies in nervous system regulation. The nervous system of someone with avoidant attachment has been shaped by early experiences of emotional neglect, leaving them with a “hyper-aroused” or “shut down” nervous system when it comes to emotional intimacy. Learning to regulate the nervous system through practices like mindfulness, deep breathing, and somatic experiencing can help individuals with avoidant attachment break free from this response.

Nervous system regulation is about learning to manage overwhelming emotions rather than suppressing them. By intentionally calming the nervous system, avoidant individuals can slowly shift their response to intimacy from withdrawal to connection. Practices like grounding, deep breathing, and other self-soothing techniques help to create a calm and contained emotional space, making it easier to stay present during vulnerable moments with a partner.

Boundaries and Containment: The Key to Healing

An important part of emotional healing for avoidant individuals is learning how to set and respect boundaries—both for themselves and in relationships. This is a critical aspect of containment. Setting boundaries allows individuals to feel safe enough to engage in emotional intimacy at their own pace, without feeling overwhelmed.

In relationships, it’s vital to have a partner who understands the importance of boundaries and who can offer containment without becoming overwhelmed themselves. A partner who respects emotional space while also being present can help the avoidant individual feel safe enough to explore vulnerability and intimacy.

For someone with avoidant attachment, this might look like communicating openly about what feels comfortable and what feels like too much. For example, an avoidant partner might need space after an emotional conversation or might need time to process feelings before sharing them. By honouring these boundaries and allowing emotional regulation to take place, both partners can create a healthier dynamic of trust and emotional closeness.

Healing the Avoidant Attachment Style

While avoidant attachment presents unique challenges, healing is absolutely possible. The key is to gradually build emotional awareness, practice vulnerability, and incorporate emotional regulation techniques into daily life. Here are a few steps that can aid in the healing process:

Develop Emotional Awareness: The first step is becoming aware of one’s emotions. Practising mindfulness, journaling, or talking with a therapist can help avoidant individuals become more in tune with their feelings and better able to communicate them to others.

Start Small with Vulnerability: Opening up emotionally may feel like a threat, but vulnerability is essential for intimacy. Begin with small steps—sharing a feeling, expressing a thought—and gradually increase emotional openness. Over time, these small actions will help desensitise the nervous system to emotional closeness.

Therapy and Somatic Practices: Therapy, especially attachment-based or trauma-informed therapy, can be an essential part of healing avoidant attachment. Therapy can help explore the root causes of emotional withdrawal and introduce techniques for nervous system regulation, like breathing exercises or body-based practices (such as yoga or somatic experiencing), that help the individual reconnect to their emotions safely.

Create Safe Relationships: Building healthy relationships based on respect, boundaries, and containment is essential for healing. A partner who understands the avoidant style and can provide emotional space will help foster a sense of safety and security, making emotional intimacy possible.

It’s Never Too Late to Heal

Avoidant attachment is often the result of early emotional neglect, and it can create significant challenges in adult relationships. However, with a focus on nervous system regulation, emotional containment, and healthy boundaries, individuals with avoidant attachment can learn to build secure and emotionally fulfilling relationships. It’s never too late to begin healing—by creating safe spaces, practising vulnerability, and managing emotions, individuals can break the cycle of emotional withdrawal and build stronger, more connected relationships.

References

Porges, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x

Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47
https://nyaspubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1196/annals.1301.004

Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL. (2003) Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults-A Cross-Sectional Study.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10047625/

Sheinbaum T, Kwapil TR, Ballespí S, Mitjavila M, Chun CA, Silvia PJ, Barrantes-Vidal N. Attachment style predicts affect, cognitive appraisals, and social functioning in daily life. Front Psychology. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4364085/#:~:text=In%20contrast%2C%20compared%20to%20secure,differentiate%20less%20between%20close%20and

Wardecker, B.M., Chopik, W.J., Moors, A.C., Edelstein, R.S. (2016). Avoidant Attachment Style. In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_2015-1

Relationships Can Help Heal Trauma, Under the Right Conditions: A Polyvagal Perspective

Benjamin Fry — Thu, 17 Apr 2025 10:49:17 +0000

Trauma can leave deep emotional scars, often affecting how people connect with others. When the nervous system is dysregulated from past trauma, it becomes challenging to form healthy, secure relationships. However, with the right conditions—like trust, boundaries, and emotional containment—relationships can help heal trauma. The Polyvagal Theory, which explains how our nervous system responds to stress, is key to understanding how we can use relationships to heal.

How Trauma Affects the Nervous System

For trauma survivors, the nervous system often remains stuck in fight-or-flight or freeze modes (sympathetic or dorsal vagal), making it hard to feel safe, seen and calm in relationships. The good news is that with the right kind of relationship, it’s possible to move toward healing by re-regulating the nervous system.

Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories—it reshapes how our nervous system operates (Porges, 2009). After overwhelming or threatening experiences, the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls our physiological responses to safety and danger, can become chronically dysregulated. This dysregulation makes it difficult for trauma survivors to feel safe in their bodies or in connection with others, even long after the traumatic event has passed (Porges, 2011).

According to the Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, the ANS has three main states:

Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): We feel regulated, calm, socially engaged, and capable of trusting others.

Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Activated in the face of perceived danger, this state readies the body for action: heart rate increases, muscles tense, and we become hyper-alert or anxious.

Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Freeze): When escape or defence feels impossible, the system can collapse into immobility, leading to numbness, emotional withdrawal, and disconnection.

For many trauma survivors, the nervous system can become “stuck” in chronic sympathetic activation (anxiety, agitation, hypervigilance) or dorsal vagal shutdown (numbness, depression, dissociation). These states are adaptive, meaning they were once necessary for survival, but over time they can disrupt relationships, emotional expression, and a sense of self (Porges, 2009).

Healing is possible, and relationships can play a powerful role. When we experience safe, attuned connections that include trust, consistent boundaries, and emotional containment, our nervous system can begin to shift. Over time, these experiences help rewire the brain and body for connection over protection, allowing us to return to a state of regulation (Porges 2003).

This is why trauma-informed therapeutic relationships—and personal relationships grounded in safety—are essential in helping people move from survival into healing.

Co-Regulation in Relationships

In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people can help regulate each other’s emotions—a process known as co-regulation (Butler & Randal, 2012). When one partner is feeling overwhelmed or anxious, the other can offer calmness, empathy, and support. This helps to shift the nervous system from a state of fear or stress into one of safety and connection. Through this process, both individuals can begin to heal their nervous systems and move toward healthier emotional states.

Safety, Boundaries, and Emotional Containment

For trauma survivors, the first step in healing is feeling safe. This goes beyond just physical safety—it means creating emotional security. Trauma can make people feel constantly on edge, hypervigilant, or unable to trust others. In a relationship that prioritises clear boundaries and containment, the nervous system can begin to settle.

Setting boundaries allows individuals to feel safe because they know what to expect from each other. Healthy boundaries communicate respect and trust, which helps to regulate emotions. Without boundaries, the nervous system remains on high alert, but with them, there’s room for relaxation and connection.

Empathy and Compassion: Healing Together

One of the most powerful ways relationships can help heal trauma is through empathy. When partners can understand and respond to each other’s emotional states with care and compassion, they activate the ventral vagal system, which encourages calm and connection. A simple, empathetic response, such as listening without judgment or offering comforting words, can help soothe a dysregulated nervous system and restore a sense of safety.

Vulnerability and Open Communication

Open communication and vulnerability are essential in healing from trauma. When a partner feels heard, seen, and understood, their nervous system can shift from sensing threat into a state of calm. Vulnerability in relationships means expressing feelings honestly and being open about emotional needs. This not only builds trust but also fosters an environment where both partners feel safe to share their experiences, taking responsibility for what is theirs while remaining open and accepting of the others’ boundaries.

It can be difficult to communicate when we feel triggered, but having a partner who listens without judgment makes a huge difference. It’s through this kind of communication that relationships evolve into safe spaces where both people can heal.

Containment: Holding Space for Each Other

In the healing process, containment refers to the ability to hold space for another person’s emotions without trying to fix them or rush the process. Trauma survivors often need emotional space to express their feelings, and this process is best supported when the other partner is calm and non-reactive.

A relationship that offers empathy, support, and emotional containment can provide the perfect environment for trauma survivors to heal. These relationships allow individuals to shift their nervous systems from chronic stress states into a more grounded, safe space where true emotional connection can take place. Over time, with mutual care and effort, trauma survivors can rebuild their ability to trust, connect, and experience emotional intimacy.

It’s Never Too Late to Begin Healing

No matter how much time has passed or how entrenched trauma feels, it is never too late to begin healing through healthy relationships. By learning how to co-regulate, set boundaries, communicate openly, and contain each other’s emotions, individuals can create relationships that promote emotional healing.

Healing from trauma takes patience and effort, but the power of a supportive relationship cannot be underestimated. With the right tools, such as emotional containment and nervous system regulation, relationships become a space where both partners can grow, heal, and create deeper, more meaningful connections. Trauma doesn’t have to define the way we relate to others, and with the right foundation, it’s possible to build the kind of relationship that promotes healing, safety, and emotional resilience.

References

Butler, E.A., & Randall, A.K. (2012). Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, 5(2), 202-210. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073912451630

Porges, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x.

Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1301.004.

Porges S.W. (2009). The polyvagal theory: new insights into adaptive reactions of the autonomic nervous system. Cleveland Clinic journal of medicine, 76 Suppl 2(Suppl 2), S86–S90. https://doi.org/10.3949/ccjm.76.s2.17

Porges, S.W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton.

How Attachment Styles Influence Relationships: Anxious Attachment

Benjamin Fry — Wed, 02 Apr 2025 11:49:36 +0000

Attachment theory, introduced by John Bowlby, sheds light on the profound impact that early childhood relationships have on our emotional and psychological development (Bowlby, 1988). Central to this theory is the idea that our earliest connections with our caregivers – usually our mothers – lay the groundwork for how we will relate to others throughout our lives. In particular, the anxious attachment style – which often stems from inconsistent caregiving – can have a lasting influence on relationships, especially when it comes to emotional regulation and healing after trauma.

The Roots of Anxious Attachment: Trauma and Emotional Regulation

Anxious attachment often emerges from attachment trauma—when a caregiver’s emotional availability is unpredictable. For a child, this inconsistency in caregiving creates confusion, anxiety, and a fear of abandonment. At the core of anxious attachment is the child’s difficulty regulating their own emotional responses because they were not consistently soothed in their early years. Over time, the child learns that in order to feel safe, they must alter their behaviour to make sure they receive love.

This causes nervous system dysregulation, which affects the child’s ability to self-soothe and manage emotions in future relationships. Emotional resilience after trauma can be a challenging skill to develop, but it is essential for healing anxious attachment and improving relationship dynamics.

As adults, those of us with an anxious attachment style may find it difficult to regulate our emotions in relationships, especially when we fear rejection or abandonment (Lahousen et al., 2018). This can manifest as a seemingly irrational need for closeness or validation, both of which are rooted in the need to feel emotionally secure. However, this behavior often causes tension in relationships, as the intense demand for reassurance can overwhelm our partners, creating a cycle of anxiety and emotional distress.

Why Anxiously Attached Individuals Repeat Unhealthy Cycles

One of the most challenging aspects of anxious attachment is the tendency to repeat harmful relationship patterns (Speranza et al., 2022). Those of us with anxious attachments often find ourselves in relationships that reinforce our fears of abandonment, creating a cycle that feels impossible to break. The reason we attract the same relationships, whether with emotionally unavailable partners or people who are inconsistent in their love and care, can be traced back to unresolved attachment trauma.

The inner child often remains unconsciously drawn to relationships that mirror early trauma, as this is familiar, even if it’s painful. This can lead to the repeating of toxic relationship patterns—whether through choosing emotionally distant partners, remaining in unhealthy relationships, or trying to fix someone else’s emotional wounds as a way to avoid facing our own.

Breaking these cycles is a critical part of healing anxious attachment. It requires not only emotional regulation but also a shift in the way we perceive our own self-worth in relationships. Healing emotional abandonment wounds and rebuilding trust after childhood trauma are essential parts of this process. As we heal our attachment wounds, we begin to form healthier, more secure relationships which are based on mutual trust and emotional availability rather than fear and insecurity.

Healing Attachment Trauma: Overcoming Anxious Attachment in Relationships

Healing attachment trauma is a difficult but achievable process that involves understanding the roots of our anxious attachment and learning how to create more secure emotional bonds. The foundation of this healing often begins with therapy, particularly trauma-informed therapy, which helps us understand how early attachment wounds shape our present-day behaviors. For those of us with anxious attachment, this means learning how to regulate our emotions and break free from toxic relationship patterns.

Understanding the Polyvagal Theory can also help healing. According to the Polyvagal Theory, the nervous system plays a critical role in our ability to feel safe and connected (Porges, 1995). Learning to regulate the nervous system through tools like breathwork, mindfulness, and grounding techniques can significantly impact how we relate to others. This type of work helps regulate the nervous system by allowing those of us with trauma to shift out of a survival state and create more secure, grounded connections (Porges, 2003).

Personal Healing and Growth: Rebuilding Trust and Self-Worth

For adults with anxious attachment, understanding how trauma affects self-worth in relationships is an essential step in the healing journey. Those with anxious attachment often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and a fear that they are unworthy of love or attention. These negative beliefs about ourselves are rooted in early attachment experiences where our emotional needs were either inconsistently met or ignored. This, in turn, can lead to a lack of self-worth and difficulty trusting others.

Therapy plays a pivotal role in helping people process past trauma, develop emotional resilience, challenge these negative beliefs, and build healthy relationships. Healing attachment trauma is not just about learning to regulate emotions; it’s about learning to trust our own inner worth and ability to create lasting, secure connections.

The Path Toward Secure Attachment: Trauma-Informed Therapy and Healing

Healing from anxious attachment requires patience, commitment, and a willingness to understand abandonment fears. By learning strategies in nervous system regulation and focusing on healthy boundaries and containment, daily life can become more manageable and gradually, attachment wounds will begin to heal. By recognising how early attachment experiences influence our emotional responses, we can teach ourselves strategies for regulating emotions in relationships.

Practices like mindfulness, meditation, and breathwork can help those of us with anxious attachment learn to regulate our nervous systems, reducing anxiety and creating space for healthier relationship dynamics. These practices, or tools, can help us become more attuned to our bodily sensations and emotions, grounding us and allowing us to create a stronger sense of safety within ourselves and our relationships.

By committing to self-healing, breaking unhealthy patterns, and learning to regulate emotions, those with anxious attachment can begin to build the emotional resilience needed for healthy, loving relationships. Overcoming anxious attachment is not only about healing past wounds but also about creating a future where one can feel secure, loved, and truly connected to others.

Transforming Attachment, Transforming Relationships

With boundaries, containment, and strategies for nervous system regulation, we can prevent past trauma from overwhelming the present. Those with anxious attachment can break free from patterns of emotional instability and create deeper, more meaningful connections with others. The key lies in creating trust – in both oneself and others – and in learning how to self-soothe in ways that are healthy, grounded, and sustainable. It’s through this process that individuals with anxious attachment can move toward secure, loving relationships and emotional healing after trauma.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss: Volume 1. Attachment, New York, Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1973) Attachment and Loss: Volume 2. Separation: Anxiety and Anger, New York, Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, New York, Basic Books.

Lahousen T, Unterrainer HF, Kapfhammer HP. Psychobiology of Attachment and Trauma-Some General Remarks From a Clinical Perspective. Front Psychiatry. 2019 Dec 12;10:914. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00914. PMID: 31920761; PMCID: PMC6920243.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6920243/

PORGES, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x

Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47.
https://nyaspubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1196/annals.1301.004

Speranza, A.M. et al. (2022) ‘The role of complex trauma and attachment patterns in intimate partner violence’, Frontiers in Psychology, 12. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.769584.
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.769584/full

The Hidden Presence of Trauma in Our Relationships

Benjamin Fry — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 14:24:07 +0000

Often without knowing it, our trauma, or “baggage,” is present in almost every connection we make. Our unresolved, unfinished business from the times when we felt threatened or overwhelmed stays with us, affecting the way we deal with human connection and relationships. Our baggage can often make connection feel like walking through a storm. Those of us with trauma often can feel threatened when there is no clear threat—like running from an invisible lion. From a nervous system perspective, our baggage is both our greatest potential for growth and a significant source of discomfort. Facing it can feel like stepping into the eye of a storm, revisiting the very experiences that once left us raw. But with awareness and understanding, confronting and working through our trauma allows us to join the path back to safety, balance, and regulation. That said, it’s something that needs to be handled with great care.

What Is Our Baggage?

Baggage isn’t just some abstract thing we carry around. It’s the remnants of past emotional responses—those moments when we felt too much, too deeply and didn’t have the space or tools to process it. Our reactions to these threats—whether they were real or perceived—became a part of our nervous system’s default settings, shaping how we interact with the world. Even though we may not realise it, every time we try to connect with someone, this baggage has a way of sneaking in and influencing how we interact. This can manifest in many ways.

Fear of Rejection: An Invisible Trigger

Our baggage can cause us to fear rejection, often in ways we don’t recognise. Past experiences of abandonment or being hurt can leave an emotional scar, and those scars work overtime, triggering the same feelings every time we sense potential for rejection. The thought that someone might not choose us can feel like an overwhelming threat, not just a disappointment. So, we prepare ourselves by closing off, distancing ourselves, or pulling away. While this is supposed to protect us, it actually robs us of the chance to open ourselves to true connection.

Trust Issues: The Fragility of Connection

Trust is very important for connection, but when past betrayals or broken promises are lodged in our nervous system, trust becomes fragile. Every potential relationship is filtered through the lens of previous disappointments. Every offhand comment or shift in behaviour is a potential trigger for the same old anxieties, making it hard to open up. The lack of trust feels like constant pressure, making any attempt at connection feel less like a safe space and more like a minefield. We walk on eggshells, afraid to cross a line, and as a result, the connection remains surface-level and guarded.

Overprotectiveness: Defending Against the Past

Baggage can cause us to become overprotective. When we’ve been hurt in the past, we become hyper-aware of every small detail, overanalysing every gesture and word. “This reminds me of the last person who hurt me, so this could end up in the same way.” This unconscious connection between the past and present can quickly turn innocent interactions into potential threats, leaving us unable to engage fully with others. Instead of seeing the person in front of us as they are, we see a reflection of our past wounds, which can prevent us from ever truly engaging.

The Challenge of Vulnerability and Intimacy

When we have felt overwhelmed in the past, we learn to build walls as a defence mechanism. We hide our true selves, guarding our authentic emotions for fear of getting hurt. But while it may seem protective, it has the opposite effect. We keep our real selves locked away, only allowing others to connect with the version of us that we create in order to keep us safe. This doesn’t allow for real depth or vulnerability. The more we guard ourselves, the more isolated we become, even though all we really want and need is to feel true connection.

Real intimacy requires vulnerability, but our baggage makes it very difficult to be vulnerable. Connection is about opening up and letting someone in. It’s about being able to show the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden, without fear. When our past experiences with intimacy were painful or disappointing, we start to see it as something dangerous rather than something connecting. The thought of someone getting too close feels overwhelming, so we hold back, avoid, or deflect. True closeness feels like a risk—one that might just lead to being hurt again.

The Cycle of Conflict: Unresolved Issues at Play

Baggage doesn’t just show up in the way we relate emotionally—it also shows up in how we deal with conflict. If we haven’t resolved our past issues, we tend to repeat them in new relationships. The slightest disagreement might spiral into something bigger because unresolved issues create patterns we don’t even recognise. We find ourselves reliving old battles—fighting over things that often have very little to do with the issue at hand. The result is a disconnection that feels cyclical and exhausting as if we’re never really able to move forward.

Transforming Baggage Into Growth

Our baggage is always going to be with us. It’s a part of who we are. But the good news is, it doesn’t have to dictate how we connect with others. With boundaries, containment, and strategies for nervous system regulation we can prevent past trauma from overwhelming the present. Clear boundaries create space and safety, allowing us to engage with others without feeling emotionally flooded. Containment helps manage the intense energy triggered by unresolved trauma, preventing under or over-reactions that feel distressing to you, and your partner.

Working on nervous system regulation can reduce reactivity and create space for connection. Healing isn’t about eliminating past wounds but learning to navigate them with self-awareness and the tools for internal stability.

When we integrate these tools, we move beyond survival mode and into healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By understanding our own nervous system and setting boundaries that protect us, we create relationships based on safety and authenticity, rather than fear and reactivity.

Re-Regulating our Nervous System using our Senses

Benjamin Fry — Sun, 03 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

In freeing ourselves from a dysregulated nervous system, an important step is learning how to reframe our experiences and manage our triggers, reactions, and baggage. We need to do this so that we are no longer subject to learned ways of behaviour that negatively impact our lives and the relationships we have with others.

The goal is to go from the diagram on the left below to the one on the right.

In the diagram on the left, in which our baggage is represented by the red squiggle, triggers are the green arrow, and our reaction is the red arrow, you can see a dysregulated nervous system – one that overreacts to the trigger. The diagram on the right represents a nervous system that is well regulated as a result of using boundaries and containment.

To reframe our experiences, we must bring attention to our triggers, our baggage, and our reactions. It’s easy to consider ourselves the victim in situations that trigger us and make us feel unsafe, but there is very little we can do to control what life throws at us. What we can do, however, is use boundaries and containment to lessen the impact that our triggers have on our baggage. When we do this, we create something like a shield around that vulnerable, wounded part of ourselves.

If we want to re-regulate our nervous system and leave that state of dysregulation, we need to connect with our bodies, and allow our reptilian and mammalian brains to finish dealing with our unfinished business, the root cause of our dysregulation.

If we are going to disengage the thinking brain and activate the mammal brain, it’s not very easy to do that while reading words. We need to go instead into the part of the brain that’s aware of sensations, which show up in our five senses; touch, sight, smell, sound and taste. They are experienced, not thought about or read about.

So, this step in freeing ourselves from dysregulation sees us using the sensations from our own body as a bridge through time. That’s right; we’re going time-travelling, back towards the original trigger that created your baggage. You are going to visit the reaction was so strong that you had to pause it. You never completely un-paused it, so the reaction is unfinished and remains dormant in your nervous system. Using sensation to time-travel back to that experience is the first step to resolving it.

Essentially, you are including in your awareness today an awareness of this same experience before today. It’s just a bigger window of awareness we’re opening up going from the now to the now-and-then. This time-travel is done by your body. No thinking required.

The nervous system is linked to the event in the past, as if it is happening right now. So you just have to train your body to listen to your nervous system, and your mind to listen to your body. With the right preparatory work, you can tap into this magical somatic dialogue at any time.

Let’s use a practical example to get a better understanding of how we can connect with ourselves and discharge our baggage.

John has agreed to pick up Mary from a work drinks event and take her to a dinner with his friends. He’s supposed to collect her at 7pm. At 6.55pm, she tells everyone she has to go, gets ready and is expecting him. He doesn’t show up. There’s no call, no message, nothing. As she’s waiting by the lobby of the bar, some of her colleagues leave together and comment that they thought she’d left. They ask her if she’s ok. Mary smiles bravely and tells them that everything’s fine. But inside she’s dying. She has no idea what’s going on and having played it all cool, like she had to leave because she had another event to go to, now she’s the one standing on her own looking foolish. It doesn’t help that one of the people passing her in the lobby is her work nemesis! John finally turns up at 7.50pm. Mary is still waiting, but not exactly pleased to see him. As he walks into the bar, all flustered, and greets her, she must make a choice in what to say.

When talking about her triggers, Mary would respond well to this situation by saying:

‘When we agree to meet at 7pm and you show up at 7.50pm, that’s a trigger for me.’

In doing so, Mary makes her response about her and her own triggers, not about John. Mary could add to the communication about the trigger by also including a good description of the reaction.

And now I notice that I feel very angry, upset, hurt, confused and scared. My stomach is tight, and everything feels hot in my abdomen. I don’t feel safe.

Once you have carefully identified your trigger, and diligently noticed and safely articulated your reaction, it’s time to open up the bit in the middle, the bit that links the trigger to that reaction. For Mary, that looks something like this:

“When we agree to meet at 7pm and you show up a 7.50pm that’s a trigger for me. And now I notice that I feel very angry, upset, hurt, confused and scared. My stomach is tight, and everything feels hot in my abdomen. I don’t feel safe. This reminds me of when I was always waiting for my Mum. She was always late for me when I was younger.”

What does this help Mary to learn about herself now as an adult? She has an over-reaction to people she cares about being late for her. She obviously has some work to do on this, but in the meantime, how can she keep the triggers to a minimum, so that this work is easier to do? She can ask John to help:

“So, in the future it would really help me if you could be on time, or let me know if there’s a problem as early as possible. And what I will do to help myself is if you are late and I’m getting uncomfortable, I will just go home.”

In this story, Mary has successfully identified her trigger, manages her reaction, and opens up about her baggage. She then let’s John know about her boundaries, which he can then, if he chooses, collaborate with Mary on keeping them. By simply letting people know what your boundaries are, they may find it easier to help.

Imagine in this example that she’s not saying this to John now, but she’s actually working through this on her own, or with a friend or even a therapist. She now wants to use this statement describing the sensations she felt to do some work on her nervous system, to get better at handling these kinds of triggering events in the future.

So, while remembering what it felt like when she was waiting for John, Mary goes into her body and looks for sensations. She has already noticed that her stomach is tight and everything feels hot in her abdomen. Now is her chance to go towards those feelings, not away from them. The goal here is to stop analysing and to allow the experience to start to take over.

Once we find these sensations and focus clearly on them, we have a very important question to ask. This question is not asked of the mind; it is asked to the body. You might feel like this makes no sense at all, but just go with me here. It works. I’ve seen it work hundreds of times. What it really comes down to is just a trick of language, but it means something to us all in a way that’s hard to describe with words. You will know it when you feel it.

Once you have a clear awareness of your sensations as you recall the trigger, reaction and your baggage. Now is when you ask your body this question:

“Can you float that back in time and see where it goes?”

And then you let that hang there for a while. You might want to repeat it. Your body might resist answering. Your thinking brain might be desperately trying to get in on the act. Come back to your sensations, back to your body. Its initial response might be to draw a blank.

That’s OK; hang out with blank for a while. If you stay with it, eventually something will happen. Something will pop up on the radar.

Sometimes we think it doesn’t make sense and so we resist it. Go with whatever comes up, however crazy it may seem. The memory might be an unwelcome one and your mind might tell you not to go there, but the reality is that your body is already there. It’s not a memory anymore; it’s something happening right here right now. So, there’s no point listening to your mind telling you not to go there. You are there. And now you have a way out.

The most important thing here is to respect the pace at which your body wants to work. There is nothing to be gained by rushing anything. The body can’t do more than it can do when healing anything, whether it’s a broken toe or a dysregulated nervous system. It takes the time it takes. So if you need to, give yourself permission to do this slowly, carefully, in stages.

You can download this post in a handy 2-page PDF to print and share with friends, family, clients or colleagues. Follow this link to download now.

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How Listening Can Help Us Not React To Our Triggers

Benjamin Fry — Sat, 02 May 2020 11:00:00 +0000

The goal is to go from the diagram on the left below to the one on the right.

An example of how this works in practice is the story of Peter and his family, which goes as follows.

Peter went home to his parent’s house for Christmas. His brother and his sister are there, and his sister has brought along her new boyfriend, Frank. Peter’s family is quite tight-knit, but his parents are also fairly strict. There’s a certain way they like things to be done around mealtimes. Everyone helps to set the table and get the food served. Then they eat. Growing up, this was not optional, and his parents could be harsh if they felt he was not pulling his weight. On their first evening together, he noticed that Frank was not contributing to this at all. He just stood there chatting to Peter’s mother while everyone else worked around him. This happened again the next day. Twice, in fact, at lunch and dinner. By the evening, Peter was fuming. What should he say? Who should he even say it to? Does he have a problem with Frank, or with his mother, or with everyone? How can he process this experience?

Frank could identify his trigger by saying:

‘Hey Mum, I see you not saying anything to Frank when he doesn’t help and it feels like a trigger to me.’

He could then go on to manage his reaction to the trigger by adding:

“I notice how distressed I feel but I can’t even really explain it. I just feel uncomfortable and it makes me want to run away. But I don’t want to run away. I miss you guys.”

With this way of expressing himself, Peter brings his mother closer, rather than pushing her away. He’s having a hard time, but he’d rather be having a nice time instead, because he doesn’t see her that often. Hearing that, she’s likely to want to help him, not to push him away.

Now Peter can talk about his baggage.

“That’s how I always felt growing up when things seemed unfair. I think that’s why I moved away.”

What this brief snippet of conversation does is open up a window into the link between your nervous system, your behaviour and, therefore, your relationships. It puts this picture

into language that’s specific to that situation. And it keeps you in relationships while you do it. Staying connected is the very best thing you can do for your nervous system. It regulates you and gives you a chance to repair attachments. To be able to process unfinished business whilst staying connected is priceless.

In setting a boundary, Peter could say to his Mother:

“Can we talk about this more and see if maybe in future we can do things a bit differently? Otherwise I’m worried that I will continue to keep my distance to protect myself.”

The Importance of Listening

Let’s think for a moment how you would respond to this conversation if you were the one listening. It can seem like a bit of an odd dialogue. It’s not really how we normally talk. So, what would it be like to be spoken to like this?

Usually our reaction to something new and different is some form of resistance. We might be a bit alarmed. Add to this that we might easily hear these kinds of comments as if they are an attack, a judgement or blame, even when they are not. This might then become a trigger for the listener. And you know what can happen next if we then have our own reaction while listening to the first person’s reaction. We can get into a vicious cycle of mutual triggers instead of a healthy, regulating conversation.

The very best thing to try to do if someone is opening up to you like this is to listen. That might sound easy, but it’s actually one of the hardest things we ever do. Listening means hearing all the words and imagining what it is like to be saying them, rather than hearing just some of the words and then wanting to react or interrupt. Let’s be honest, most of us just react and interrupt most of the time. Even if we don’t actually interrupt the speaker with words, we interrupt our listening with our thoughts. Listening takes real effort. And guess what else? Practice, of course.

Clinically, we use a handy device for getting people to listen more deeply. We simply ask people to repeat back what they heard. When someone is listening to another’s vulnerable account of their nervous system, they know that at the end of it, they will be asked to try to repeat back what they heard, like a tape recorder. This focuses the mind on the task of listening, but it also shows up where it has been hard to listen. When the dialogue is reflected back to the first person, even if it is only partially accurate, it can be very reassuring for the person who spoke up to know that they have really been heard.

This is especially helpful for couples, for dispute resolution and for family work. If you find it hard to hear this stuff, or to be heard when doing it, this kind of exercise of repeating back what you have heard can be very effective.

You can download this post in a handy 2-page PDF to print and share with friends, family, clients or colleagues. Follow this link to download now.

You can buy a copy of The Invisible Lion now on kindle or paperback from your local Amazon store. Just click here to buy now.

How to Use Boundaries to Self-Regulate

Benjamin Fry — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 11:00:00 +0000

The goal is to go from the diagram on the left below to the one on the right.

The whole process of regulating the nervous system would be far easier if we experienced fewer triggers less often. So, keeping things manageable is a priority and to do this, we can use boundaries to begin to build a bubble of containment around our dysregulated nervous system. But how do we know in practice exactly what those boundaries should be?

Let’s look at the following story about housemates Sue and Ann.

Sue and Anne are flatmates. They met through friends and although they get on well enough, they have quite separate lives. One day Sue comes home, looking forward to the leftovers from a dinner she cooked for a friend the night before. But the food has already been eaten; the Tupperware is empty and not even washed up in the sink. She’s upset because she’d made no other arrangements for dinner. She’s exhausted and could have picked something up on the way home. However, now she’s nervous because she doesn’t know what to say to Anne. She doesn’t want there to be an atmosphere in the house, but equally it just doesn’t feel right just to ignore it. After all, things like this have happened before. Anne comes in later while Sue is watching TV.

In talking about her triggers, reactions, and baggage, Sue could explain to Ann:

“When I think people have taken my stuff at home that’s a trigger for me.

Here Sue has carefully identified her trigger. She then manages her reaction by adding:

‘And I’m feeling really scared to talk about it, like it’s not OK or something bad will happen to me.’

Sue the shares her baggage with Ann, by saying:

That reminds me so much of being at home with my siblings. I never felt like I had any privacy but we couldn’t complain because my parents were so overwhelmed by my sick brother.”

From here, Sue can put a boundary in place by saying:

“I’m going to make it really clear what’s mine and what I need to have left alone rather than to share with you. I hope that’s OK. I’ll find a way to do that in the kitchen and the bathroom to make it easier for you.”

This avoids shifting the blame onto the other person. Sue is setting up Anne to be able to help her to get what she needs. She is also making her needs crystal clear. If this doesn’t work, then she is most likely going to have to move out, but she is giving both of them the best chance to avoid that by being really clear with herself where the original problem came from, and then, from this place of clarity, making a plan to reduce this trigger in her home as much as she can. Also, it is kind to Anne. Sue is allowing Anne to see into the window of her nervous system to understand where all of this is coming from. That makes it less weird for Anne and makes her more likely to want to help.

So, once you find the boundary, which protects you from a trigger, take responsibility for making sure that you take care of you. And when you do, you can start to solve all your other problems from a different, more regulated place.

You can download this post in a handy 2-page PDF to print and share with friends, family, clients or colleagues. Follow this link to download now.

You can buy a copy of The Invisible Lion now on kindle or paperback from your local Amazon store. Just click here to buy now.

Our Baggage and The Nervous System

Benjamin Fry — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 11:00:00 +0000

In freeing ourselves from a dysregulated nervous system, an important step is learning how to reframe our experiences. We need to do this so that we are no longer subject to learned ways of behaviour that negatively impact our lives and the relationships we have with others.

The goal is to go from the diagram on the left below to the one on the right.

For the purposes of this blog, let’s look at how we can approach our baggage and reframe how we experience it.

Let’s look at the example of Eric in the office to see how this can be applied in practice.

You work in an open plan office and you are on a tight deadline for an important project. Eric sits opposite you and often tries to engage you in conversation. You are quite shy but don’t want to just say outright that you don’t want to talk. You feel trapped and the stress of your deadline just keeps growing.

In dealing with you triggers and reactions, you could be open and honest with Eric by saying something like:

‘Hey Eric, I’m on a deadline and the conflict of also wanting to talk to you is a trigger for me. I notice that it makes me stressed and I’d like to avoid that.’

Or you could keep your reaction work related by saying:

‘It makes me less productive because I feel like I’m in two places at once.’

In doing so, you act as a witness to yourself. The goal of working with our reactions is to notice them in the simplest way possible. We want to avoid blame and judgement..

To set up this process of drawing the other person in, rather than putting them on the defensive, you start with the careful explanation of the trigger. If you don’t attack, blame or judge with the trigger, you will usually find that the person you are talking to (even if it is yourself) can also find some degree of empathy and compassion with whatever the difficult experience, sensations or feelings you are having in reaction to this trigger.

All of this then sets the stage for the final part of opening up the window into your nervous system, which is when, in the image above, we go from the diagram on the left to the one on the right.

By not alienating or abusing the other person, and by even generating some empathy for our experience, we are creating the right conditions safely to explore and expose our baggage. We now get to tell them why we had the reaction we did. Or, at least, have a really good guess.

Our baggage, of course, is at the heart of all of our problems. It is the unfinished business from our responses to threat in the past. In nervous system recovery terms, it’s our greatest opportunity but also our greatest threat. Revisiting unfinished threat responses is always going to be difficult because we are returning to the experiences which most overwhelmed us in the past, but completing them is our surest pathway back to regulation. All the same, it’s something to approach very carefully.

This is where we start to guess at the origin of our baggage.

It is a fairly simple formula. Once you’ve described the trigger and the reaction that went with it, you try to make sense of the distance between the two by telling yourself, or the other person, what this combination of your trigger and your reaction reminds you of. It might not work; it might not remind you of anything. But usually, especially if you have got the first two parts right, you will find that the baggage comes into view.

So, in our example in the office setting, dealing with our baggage might look something like this:

“Hey Eric, I’m on a deadline and so the conflict of wanting to talk to you is a trigger for me. It makes me less productive because I feel like I’m in two places at once.”

And then you might add:

“I felt like that in my last job and it didn’t work out so well. So I’m trying to do something differently here.”

What this brief snippet of conversation does is opens up a window into the link between your nervous system, your behaviour and, therefore, your relationships. It puts this picture into language that’s specific to that situation.

And it keeps you in relationships while you do it. Staying connected is the very best thing you can do for your nervous system. It regulates you and gives you a chance to repair attachments. To be able to process unfinished business whilst staying connected is priceless.

I could give you a thousand examples, but this only works if you practice it for yourself in situations that are meaningful to you.

You can download this post in a handy 2-page PDF to print and share with friends, family, clients or colleagues. Follow this link to download now.

You can buy a copy of The Invisible Lion now on kindle or paperback from your local Amazon store. Just click here to buy now.