Afterwards, many people feel confused or ashamed. Why did I react like that? Why couldn’t I stay calm?

But these reactions are rarely random. Beneath them lies a powerful biological system that’s working constantly to protect us: the nervous system. When we begin to understand how this system operates, particularly in the context of past experience and attachment, our responses in relationships start to make much more sense (Porges, 2011; Van der Kolk, 2014).

Rather than being an obstacle to connection, the nervous system is often actually trying to preserve it.

The Body Is Always Listening for Safety

Human beings are biologically wired to detect safety or threat in their surroundings. Long before the thinking mind has evaluated a situation, the nervous system is already scanning for cues in tone of voice, facial expression, posture, and distance.

If the body senses safety, it allows us to remain open, curious, and socially engaged. If it detects a potential threat, it prepares us to protect ourselves.

This process happens automatically and extremely quickly. It is governed by the autonomic nervous system, which regulates states of calm engagement, mobilisation (fight or flight), or shutdown. As described in the work of polyvagal theory, these shifts occur through unconscious neural processes designed to ensure survival (Porges, 2011).

In relational situations, the nervous system often responds not just to what is happening now, but to what the moment resembles from the past (Levine, 2010; Van der Kolk, 2014).

The reaction may seem excessive in the present moment, but to the nervous system, it can feel like a familiar signal of danger.

The Invisible Triggers Beneath Reactions

Many emotional reactions in relationships are driven by processes that operate below conscious awareness. The body stores patterns of response that were learned in earlier environments, especially during periods of vulnerability or stress (Van der Kolk, 2014).

When a current situation echoes those earlier experiences, the nervous system may activate protective responses automatically. These reactions often appear as anger, anxiety, defensiveness, withdrawal, or emotional overwhelm.

In trauma-informed perspectives, these responses are not viewed as signs of weakness or dysfunction, they are understood as adaptive strategies the body developed in order to cope (Levine, 2010).

Trauma is like an Invisible Lion. The nervous system reacts as though a threat is present, even when the conscious mind knows that the situation is not life-threatening. The body is responding to a perceived danger signal, not necessarily to the objective reality of the moment (Fry, 2019).

When people recognise that their reactions are rooted in protective biology rather than personal failure, the experience can become less confusing and more compassionate.

Attachment Shapes How the Nervous System Interprets Connection

Attachment theory provides another important piece of the puzzle. Early relationships with caregivers play a central role in shaping how the nervous system interprets closeness, distance, and emotional communication.

When caregivers are reliably responsive and attuned, the developing nervous system learns that connection is generally safe. Emotional distress can be soothed through the presence of another person, and the body learns how to return to balance (Schore, 2003).

When early relationships are inconsistent, unpredictable, or frightening, the nervous system may develop heightened sensitivity to relational cues. A small change in tone or attention may be interpreted as a signal that connection is at risk (Bowlby, 1969).

These patterns do not remain confined to childhood. They often continue to influence adult relationships, shaping expectations about closeness, rejection, and safety.

This is why certain relational situations can feel so emotionally intense. The nervous system may be responding not only to the present interaction but also to earlier experiences that formed its template for connection.

The Power of Co-Regulation

Although many people assume emotional regulation is purely an individual skill, nervous systems are deeply relational. Humans regulate one another constantly through subtle signals of safety and reassurance (Porges, 2011).

This process is known as co-regulation.

A calm tone of voice, gentle eye contact, steady pacing of conversation, and genuine responsiveness all communicate safety to another nervous system. These cues can help reduce stress responses and bring the body back toward balance.

In infancy, co-regulation is essential. A distressed baby relies entirely on a caregiver’s presence to return to calm. Over time, the nervous system gradually internalises these regulatory experiences (Schore, 2003).

Yet this need does not disappear in adulthood. Supportive relationships continue to play a powerful role in stabilising the nervous system.

When conflict occurs in relationships, the ability to return to connection, to repair, reassure, and acknowledge emotional impact, helps restore safety. Repeated experiences of this kind allow the nervous system to update its expectations and gradually become less reactive to perceived threat (Porges, 2011).

Boundaries as a Form of Safety

Healthy relationships are not built on constant closeness alone. They also require clear boundaries.

Boundaries are often misunderstood as walls that separate people, but in reality, they create the conditions that allow connection to remain safe and nourishing. When we feel able to express limits, needs, and preferences, there is greater stability and clarity, which reduces the uncertainty that can otherwise trigger stress responses.

Seen from this perspective, boundaries are not acts of rejection. They are acts of regulation. They help maintain the emotional space in which authentic connection can exist.

Moving from Self-Criticism to Curiosity

One of the most transformative shifts people can make is moving from self-judgement to curiosity.

When a strong emotional reaction appears, the immediate impulse is often to criticise ourselves or the other person. But a more helpful question might be: What signal of danger did my nervous system just detect?

This question opens the door to exploration rather than blame. It recognises that the body may be responding to something meaningful, even if the reaction seems disproportionate. By approaching these moments with curiosity, people often discover patterns rooted in earlier experiences of stress, loss, or relational uncertainty (Van der Kolk, 2014).

Awareness alone does not instantly dissolve these patterns. But it creates space for new responses to emerge.

Relearning Safety in Relationship

Healing relational reactivity is not about suppressing emotions or forcing calmness. Instead, it involves gradually helping the nervous system relearn what safety feels like.

This process often unfolds through repeated experiences of connection where conflict can occur without leading to abandonment, criticism, or emotional shutdown. Repair, empathy, and responsiveness become crucial.

Over time, the nervous system begins to update its predictions about relationships (Porges, 2011; Schore, 2003). Situations that once triggered intense alarm may begin to feel less threatening. The body learns that not every raised voice means rejection, and that not every disagreement means the end of connection.

The Nervous System as an Ally

At first glance, the nervous system may appear to be the source of relational problems. Its reactions can feel disruptive, overwhelming, or unpredictable. But when we look more closely, we see something different.

The nervous system is trying, often desperately, to protect connection, dignity, and emotional safety. Its responses are rooted in survival mechanisms that evolved to keep us alive and bonded to others (Porges, 2011).

When we approach these reactions with understanding rather than hostility, a new relationship with our internal experience becomes possible. Instead of fighting the nervous system, we can learn to listen to it. And in doing so, we begin to create the conditions in which both the body and our relationships can gradually move toward greater safety, resilience, and connection.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1 – Attachment. Basic Books. https://ia800205.us.archive.org/5/items/attachmentlossvo00john/attachmentlossvo00john.pdf

Fry, B. (2019). The Invisible Lion: How to Tame Your Nervous System and Reclaim Your Power. Watkins Publishing. https://benjaminfry.co.uk/the-invisible-lion/

Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books. https://archive.org/details/inunspokenvoiceh0000levi

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company. https://archive.org/details/polyvagaltheoryn0000porg

Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company. https://www.academia.edu/45262427/Affect_Regulation_and_the_Repair_of_the_Self

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf

The Hidden Weight of Trauma in Relationships

Trauma, broadly defined as overwhelming experiences that exceed an individual’s capacity to cope, is rarely contained solely within the individual. As Judith Herman, a foundational trauma expert, explains in Trauma and Recovery (1992), trauma shatters a person’s sense of safety and trust, impairing their ability to regulate emotions and relate to others in healthy ways. This disruption inevitably affects intimate relationships, which rely heavily on trust and vulnerability.

Peter Levine, known for his work in somatic experiencing, emphasises how trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. In Waking the Tiger (1997), Levine argues that unresolved trauma dysregulates the nervous system, leading to hyperarousal or dissociation states that disrupt healthy and clear communication. When nervous system dysregulation occurs, even small disagreements can escalate into overwhelming conflict or emotional shutdown.

Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score (2014), expands on this idea by showing how trauma reshapes brain function, particularly areas responsible for emotional regulation and social engagement. He notes that trauma survivors often struggle with emotional expression and attunement, which can create a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and conflict avoidance in relationships.

How Trauma Stifles Communication

In trauma-affected relationships, communication breakdown often emerges in three primary ways:

1. Hypervigilance and Reactivity: Trauma survivors may respond to perceived threats with intense fear or anger. This hypervigilance makes conflict feel unsafe, triggering defensive or aggressive behaviours that shut down dialogue.
2. Emotional Numbing and Dissociation: To avoid overwhelming feelings, some may disconnect from their emotions altogether, making it difficult to express needs or listen empathically.
3. Fear of Abandonment or Betrayal: Deep fears of rejection can cause individuals to either withdraw or cling excessively, neither of which supports healthy communication or conflict resolution.

Gabor Maté, a leading expert on trauma and addiction, highlights the role of early attachment wounds in shaping these patterns. In his work, Maté asserts that trauma disrupts the essential emotional attunement between caregiver and child, which lays the groundwork for future relational capacities. When this foundation is shaky, adult relationships often replicate those early dynamics, marked by mistrust, miscommunication, and conflict avoidance.

The Importance of Nervous System Regulation

Central to healing trauma in relationships is the regulation of the nervous system. As Levine and van der Kolk both note, trauma keeps the nervous system “stuck” in fight, flight, or freeze responses. Before meaningful communication can occur, partners need to feel safe both internally and interpersonally.

Nervous system regulation can be cultivated through practices such as mindfulness, breathwork, somatic therapies, and grounding exercises. These techniques help shift the body out of survival mode and into a state of calm readiness, enabling clearer thinking and emotional availability.

Bessel van der Kolk underscores that “feeling safe” in the body is a prerequisite for emotional openness. When partners can co-regulate—help each other return to calm—there is greater space for honest dialogue and the processing of difficult emotions.

Boundaries and Containment: Creating a Safe Space for Conflict

Healing trauma and restoring communication also requires clear boundaries and containment within relationships. Boundaries serve as protective limits that ensure each person feels respected and safe. Judith Herman emphasises the need for containment—creating a relational “container” that holds distress without overwhelming either partner.

Containment involves setting limits around how conflict is expressed and agreeing on ways to pause and self-soothe when emotions run high. This safety framework allows both partners to engage with vulnerability without fearing mistreatment or abandonment.

Boundaries also empower trauma survivors by giving them control over their personal space and emotional availability, which is often compromised by trauma. According to Gabor Maté, establishing boundaries is a crucial act of self-care and healing, enabling individuals to differentiate their own feelings from their partner’s and avoid enmeshment.

Building Space for Healthy Conflict

Conflict, while often feared, is an inevitable and necessary part of intimate relationships. Healthy conflict allows for the expression of differing needs and perspectives, fostering growth and deeper understanding. For trauma-affected couples, building space for such conflict requires intentional strategies:

1. Prioritise Safety: Begin by creating an environment where both partners feel emotionally and physically safe. This might mean agreeing on “time-outs” when conflict becomes overwhelming or setting ground rules for respectful communication.
2. Practice Nervous System Awareness: Check in with your body during difficult conversations. If you notice signs of dysregulation (racing heart, shutting down), pause and use grounding techniques before continuing.
3. Use “I” Statements: Frame concerns in terms of your own feelings and needs rather than blaming or accusing. This reduces defensiveness and invites empathy.
4. Engage in Active Listening: Reflect back what you hear your partner say to ensure understanding and validate their experience.
5. Seek Professional Support: Trauma-informed therapy can guide couples in rebuilding trust and communication skills, helping partners navigate the complexities of trauma responses.

Conclusion

Trauma can feel like an invisible anchor weighing down relationships, stifling communication and making conflict seem like a dangerous minefield. Yet, with awareness and intention, couples can transform these challenges into opportunities for healing and growth.

By understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma as highlighted by Judith Herman, Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Gabor Maté, partners can cultivate nervous system regulation, establish boundaries, and create containment. These foundational steps open the door to healthy conflict, where vulnerability is met with safety, and honest communication becomes the pathway to deeper connection.

Healing from trauma within relationships is not about avoiding conflict but learning to hold it with care, respect, and compassion. When partners commit to this work, relationships can move from adrift to anchored, from silence to dialogue, and from isolation to intimacy.

References

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-30136-000

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/waking-the-tiger-healing-trauma/

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf

Maté, G. (2018). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2426971

How Trauma Affects the Nervous System

For trauma survivors, the nervous system often remains stuck in fight-or-flight or freeze modes (sympathetic or dorsal vagal), making it hard to feel safe, seen and calm in relationships. The good news is that with the right kind of relationship, it’s possible to move toward healing by re-regulating the nervous system.

Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories—it reshapes how our nervous system operates (Porges, 2009). After overwhelming or threatening experiences, the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls our physiological responses to safety and danger, can become chronically dysregulated. This dysregulation makes it difficult for trauma survivors to feel safe in their bodies or in connection with others, even long after the traumatic event has passed (Porges, 2011).

According to the Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, the ANS has three main states:

Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): We feel regulated, calm, socially engaged, and capable of trusting others.

Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Activated in the face of perceived danger, this state readies the body for action: heart rate increases, muscles tense, and we become hyper-alert or anxious.

Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Freeze): When escape or defence feels impossible, the system can collapse into immobility, leading to numbness, emotional withdrawal, and disconnection.

For many trauma survivors, the nervous system can become “stuck” in chronic sympathetic activation (anxiety, agitation, hypervigilance) or dorsal vagal shutdown (numbness, depression, dissociation). These states are adaptive, meaning they were once necessary for survival, but over time they can disrupt relationships, emotional expression, and a sense of self (Porges, 2009).

Healing is possible, and relationships can play a powerful role. When we experience safe, attuned connections that include trust, consistent boundaries, and emotional containment, our nervous system can begin to shift. Over time, these experiences help rewire the brain and body for connection over protection, allowing us to return to a state of regulation (Porges 2003).

This is why trauma-informed therapeutic relationships—and personal relationships grounded in safety—are essential in helping people move from survival into healing.

Co-Regulation in Relationships

In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people can help regulate each other’s emotions—a process known as co-regulation (Butler & Randal, 2012). When one partner is feeling overwhelmed or anxious, the other can offer calmness, empathy, and support. This helps to shift the nervous system from a state of fear or stress into one of safety and connection. Through this process, both individuals can begin to heal their nervous systems and move toward healthier emotional states.

Safety, Boundaries, and Emotional Containment

For trauma survivors, the first step in healing is feeling safe. This goes beyond just physical safety—it means creating emotional security. Trauma can make people feel constantly on edge, hypervigilant, or unable to trust others. In a relationship that prioritises clear boundaries and containment, the nervous system can begin to settle.

Setting boundaries allows individuals to feel safe because they know what to expect from each other. Healthy boundaries communicate respect and trust, which helps to regulate emotions. Without boundaries, the nervous system remains on high alert, but with them, there’s room for relaxation and connection.

Empathy and Compassion: Healing Together

One of the most powerful ways relationships can help heal trauma is through empathy. When partners can understand and respond to each other’s emotional states with care and compassion, they activate the ventral vagal system, which encourages calm and connection. A simple, empathetic response, such as listening without judgment or offering comforting words, can help soothe a dysregulated nervous system and restore a sense of safety.

Vulnerability and Open Communication

Open communication and vulnerability are essential in healing from trauma. When a partner feels heard, seen, and understood, their nervous system can shift from sensing threat into a state of calm. Vulnerability in relationships means expressing feelings honestly and being open about emotional needs. This not only builds trust but also fosters an environment where both partners feel safe to share their experiences, taking responsibility for what is theirs while remaining open and accepting of the others’ boundaries.

It can be difficult to communicate when we feel triggered, but having a partner who listens without judgment makes a huge difference. It’s through this kind of communication that relationships evolve into safe spaces where both people can heal.

Containment: Holding Space for Each Other

In the healing process, containment refers to the ability to hold space for another person’s emotions without trying to fix them or rush the process. Trauma survivors often need emotional space to express their feelings, and this process is best supported when the other partner is calm and non-reactive.

A relationship that offers empathy, support, and emotional containment can provide the perfect environment for trauma survivors to heal. These relationships allow individuals to shift their nervous systems from chronic stress states into a more grounded, safe space where true emotional connection can take place. Over time, with mutual care and effort, trauma survivors can rebuild their ability to trust, connect, and experience emotional intimacy.

It’s Never Too Late to Begin Healing

No matter how much time has passed or how entrenched trauma feels, it is never too late to begin healing through healthy relationships. By learning how to co-regulate, set boundaries, communicate openly, and contain each other’s emotions, individuals can create relationships that promote emotional healing.

Healing from trauma takes patience and effort, but the power of a supportive relationship cannot be underestimated. With the right tools, such as emotional containment and nervous system regulation, relationships become a space where both partners can grow, heal, and create deeper, more meaningful connections. Trauma doesn’t have to define the way we relate to others, and with the right foundation, it’s possible to build the kind of relationship that promotes healing, safety, and emotional resilience.

References

Butler, E.A., & Randall, A.K. (2012). Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, 5(2), 202-210. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073912451630

Porges, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x.

Porges, S.W. (2003) ‘Social engagement and attachment: a phylogenetic perspective’, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), pp. 31–47. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1301.004.

Porges S.W. (2009). The polyvagal theory: new insights into adaptive reactions of the autonomic nervous system. Cleveland Clinic journal of medicine, 76 Suppl 2(Suppl 2), S86–S90. https://doi.org/10.3949/ccjm.76.s2.17

Porges, S.W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton.

What Is Our Baggage?

Baggage isn’t just some abstract thing we carry around. It’s the remnants of past emotional responses—those moments when we felt too much, too deeply and didn’t have the space or tools to process it. Our reactions to these threats—whether they were real or perceived—became a part of our nervous system’s default settings, shaping how we interact with the world. Even though we may not realise it, every time we try to connect with someone, this baggage has a way of sneaking in and influencing how we interact. This can manifest in many ways.

Fear of Rejection: An Invisible Trigger

Our baggage can cause us to fear rejection, often in ways we don’t recognise. Past experiences of abandonment or being hurt can leave an emotional scar, and those scars work overtime, triggering the same feelings every time we sense potential for rejection. The thought that someone might not choose us can feel like an overwhelming threat, not just a disappointment. So, we prepare ourselves by closing off, distancing ourselves, or pulling away. While this is supposed to protect us, it actually robs us of the chance to open ourselves to true connection.

Trust Issues: The Fragility of Connection

Trust is very important for connection, but when past betrayals or broken promises are lodged in our nervous system, trust becomes fragile. Every potential relationship is filtered through the lens of previous disappointments. Every offhand comment or shift in behaviour is a potential trigger for the same old anxieties, making it hard to open up. The lack of trust feels like constant pressure, making any attempt at connection feel less like a safe space and more like a minefield. We walk on eggshells, afraid to cross a line, and as a result, the connection remains surface-level and guarded.

Overprotectiveness: Defending Against the Past

Baggage can cause us to become overprotective. When we’ve been hurt in the past, we become hyper-aware of every small detail, overanalysing every gesture and word. “This reminds me of the last person who hurt me, so this could end up in the same way.” This unconscious connection between the past and present can quickly turn innocent interactions into potential threats, leaving us unable to engage fully with others. Instead of seeing the person in front of us as they are, we see a reflection of our past wounds, which can prevent us from ever truly engaging.

The Challenge of Vulnerability and Intimacy

When we have felt overwhelmed in the past, we learn to build walls as a defence mechanism. We hide our true selves, guarding our authentic emotions for fear of getting hurt. But while it may seem protective, it has the opposite effect. We keep our real selves locked away, only allowing others to connect with the version of us that we create in order to keep us safe. This doesn’t allow for real depth or vulnerability. The more we guard ourselves, the more isolated we become, even though all we really want and need is to feel true connection.

Real intimacy requires vulnerability, but our baggage makes it very difficult to be vulnerable. Connection is about opening up and letting someone in. It’s about being able to show the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden, without fear. When our past experiences with intimacy were painful or disappointing, we start to see it as something dangerous rather than something connecting. The thought of someone getting too close feels overwhelming, so we hold back, avoid, or deflect. True closeness feels like a risk—one that might just lead to being hurt again.

The Cycle of Conflict: Unresolved Issues at Play

Baggage doesn’t just show up in the way we relate emotionally—it also shows up in how we deal with conflict. If we haven’t resolved our past issues, we tend to repeat them in new relationships. The slightest disagreement might spiral into something bigger because unresolved issues create patterns we don’t even recognise. We find ourselves reliving old battles—fighting over things that often have very little to do with the issue at hand. The result is a disconnection that feels cyclical and exhausting as if we’re never really able to move forward.

Transforming Baggage Into Growth

Our baggage is always going to be with us. It’s a part of who we are. But the good news is, it doesn’t have to dictate how we connect with others. With boundaries, containment, and strategies for nervous system regulation we can prevent past trauma from overwhelming the present. Clear boundaries create space and safety, allowing us to engage with others without feeling emotionally flooded. Containment helps manage the intense energy triggered by unresolved trauma, preventing under or over-reactions that feel distressing to you, and your partner.

Working on nervous system regulation can reduce reactivity and create space for connection. Healing isn’t about eliminating past wounds but learning to navigate them with self-awareness and the tools for internal stability.

When we integrate these tools, we move beyond survival mode and into healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By understanding our own nervous system and setting boundaries that protect us, we create relationships based on safety and authenticity, rather than fear and reactivity.

The goal is to go from the diagram on the left below to the one on the right.

In the diagram on the left, in which our baggage is represented by the red squiggle, triggers are the green arrow, and our reaction is the red arrow, you can see a dysregulated nervous system – one that overreacts to the trigger. The diagram on the right represents a nervous system that is well regulated as a result of using boundaries and containment.

To reframe our experiences, we must bring attention to our triggers, our baggage, and our reactions. It’s easy to consider ourselves the victim in situations that trigger us and make us feel unsafe, but there is very little we can do to control what life throws at us. What we can do, however, is use boundaries and containment to lessen the impact that our triggers have on our baggage. When we do this, we create something like a shield around that vulnerable, wounded part of ourselves.

If we want to re-regulate our nervous system and leave that state of dysregulation, we need to connect with our bodies, and allow our reptilian and mammalian brains to finish dealing with our unfinished business, the root cause of our dysregulation.

If we are going to disengage the thinking brain and activate the mammal brain, it’s not very easy to do that while reading words. We need to go instead into the part of the brain that’s aware of sensations, which show up in our five senses; touch, sight, smell, sound and taste. They are experienced, not thought about or read about.

So, this step in freeing ourselves from dysregulation sees us using the sensations from our own body as a bridge through time. That’s right; we’re going time-travelling, back towards the original trigger that created your baggage. You are going to visit the reaction was so strong that you had to pause it. You never completely un-paused it, so the reaction is unfinished and remains dormant in your nervous system. Using sensation to time-travel back to that experience is the first step to resolving it.

Essentially, you are including in your awareness today an awareness of this same experience before today. It’s just a bigger window of awareness we’re opening up going from the now to the now-and-then. This time-travel is done by your body. No thinking required.

The nervous system is linked to the event in the past, as if it is happening right now. So you just have to train your body to listen to your nervous system, and your mind to listen to your body. With the right preparatory work, you can tap into this magical somatic dialogue at any time.

Let’s use a practical example to get a better understanding of how we can connect with ourselves and discharge our baggage.

John has agreed to pick up Mary from a work drinks event and take her to a dinner with his friends. He’s supposed to collect her at 7pm. At 6.55pm, she tells everyone she has to go, gets ready and is expecting him. He doesn’t show up. There’s no call, no message, nothing. As she’s waiting by the lobby of the bar, some of her colleagues leave together and comment that they thought she’d left. They ask her if she’s ok. Mary smiles bravely and tells them that everything’s fine. But inside she’s dying. She has no idea what’s going on and having played it all cool, like she had to leave because she had another event to go to, now she’s the one standing on her own looking foolish. It doesn’t help that one of the people passing her in the lobby is her work nemesis! John finally turns up at 7.50pm. Mary is still waiting, but not exactly pleased to see him. As he walks into the bar, all flustered, and greets her, she must make a choice in what to say.

When talking about her triggers, Mary would respond well to this situation by saying:

‘When we agree to meet at 7pm and you show up at 7.50pm, that’s a trigger for me.’

In doing so, Mary makes her response about her and her own triggers, not about John. Mary could add to the communication about the trigger by also including a good description of the reaction.

And now I notice that I feel very angry, upset, hurt, confused and scared. My stomach is tight, and everything feels hot in my abdomen. I don’t feel safe.

Once you have carefully identified your trigger, and diligently noticed and safely articulated your reaction, it’s time to open up the bit in the middle, the bit that links the trigger to that reaction. For Mary, that looks something like this:

“When we agree to meet at 7pm and you show up a 7.50pm that’s a trigger for me. And now I notice that I feel very angry, upset, hurt, confused and scared. My stomach is tight, and everything feels hot in my abdomen. I don’t feel safe. This reminds me of when I was always waiting for my Mum. She was always late for me when I was younger.”

What does this help Mary to learn about herself now as an adult? She has an over-reaction to people she cares about being late for her. She obviously has some work to do on this, but in the meantime, how can she keep the triggers to a minimum, so that this work is easier to do? She can ask John to help:

“So, in the future it would really help me if you could be on time, or let me know if there’s a problem as early as possible. And what I will do to help myself is if you are late and I’m getting uncomfortable, I will just go home.”

In this story, Mary has successfully identified her trigger, manages her reaction, and opens up about her baggage. She then let’s John know about her boundaries, which he can then, if he chooses, collaborate with Mary on keeping them. By simply letting people know what your boundaries are, they may find it easier to help.

Imagine in this example that she’s not saying this to John now, but she’s actually working through this on her own, or with a friend or even a therapist. She now wants to use this statement describing the sensations she felt to do some work on her nervous system, to get better at handling these kinds of triggering events in the future.

So, while remembering what it felt like when she was waiting for John, Mary goes into her body and looks for sensations. She has already noticed that her stomach is tight and everything feels hot in her abdomen. Now is her chance to go towards those feelings, not away from them. The goal here is to stop analysing and to allow the experience to start to take over.

Once we find these sensations and focus clearly on them, we have a very important question to ask. This question is not asked of the mind; it is asked to the body. You might feel like this makes no sense at all, but just go with me here. It works. I’ve seen it work hundreds of times. What it really comes down to is just a trick of language, but it means something to us all in a way that’s hard to describe with words. You will know it when you feel it.

Once you have a clear awareness of your sensations as you recall the trigger, reaction and your baggage. Now is when you ask your body this question:

“Can you float that back in time and see where it goes?”

And then you let that hang there for a while. You might want to repeat it. Your body might resist answering. Your thinking brain might be desperately trying to get in on the act. Come back to your sensations, back to your body. Its initial response might be to draw a blank.

That’s OK; hang out with blank for a while. If you stay with it, eventually something will happen. Something will pop up on the radar.

Sometimes we think it doesn’t make sense and so we resist it. Go with whatever comes up, however crazy it may seem. The memory might be an unwelcome one and your mind might tell you not to go there, but the reality is that your body is already there. It’s not a memory anymore; it’s something happening right here right now. So, there’s no point listening to your mind telling you not to go there. You are there. And now you have a way out.

The most important thing here is to respect the pace at which your body wants to work. There is nothing to be gained by rushing anything. The body can’t do more than it can do when healing anything, whether it’s a broken toe or a dysregulated nervous system. It takes the time it takes. So if you need to, give yourself permission to do this slowly, carefully, in stages.

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