Often without knowing it, our trauma, or “baggage,” is present in almost every connection we make. Our unresolved, unfinished business from the times when we felt threatened or overwhelmed stays with us, affecting the way we deal with human connection and relationships. Our baggage can often make connection feel like walking through a storm. Those of us with trauma often can feel threatened when there is no clear threat—like running from an invisible lion. From a nervous system perspective, our baggage is both our greatest potential for growth and a significant source of discomfort. Facing it can feel like stepping into the eye of a storm, revisiting the very experiences that once left us raw. But with awareness and understanding, confronting and working through our trauma allows us to join the path back to safety, balance, and regulation. That said, it’s something that needs to be handled with great care.
What Is Our Baggage?
Baggage isn’t just some abstract thing we carry around. It’s the remnants of past emotional responses—those moments when we felt too much, too deeply and didn’t have the space or tools to process it. Our reactions to these threats—whether they were real or perceived—became a part of our nervous system’s default settings, shaping how we interact with the world. Even though we may not realise it, every time we try to connect with someone, this baggage has a way of sneaking in and influencing how we interact. This can manifest in many ways.
Fear of Rejection: An Invisible Trigger
Our baggage can cause us to fear rejection, often in ways we don’t recognise. Past experiences of abandonment or being hurt can leave an emotional scar, and those scars work overtime, triggering the same feelings every time we sense potential for rejection. The thought that someone might not choose us can feel like an overwhelming threat, not just a disappointment. So, we prepare ourselves by closing off, distancing ourselves, or pulling away. While this is supposed to protect us, it actually robs us of the chance to open ourselves to true connection.
Trust Issues: The Fragility of Connection
Trust is very important for connection, but when past betrayals or broken promises are lodged in our nervous system, trust becomes fragile. Every potential relationship is filtered through the lens of previous disappointments. Every offhand comment or shift in behaviour is a potential trigger for the same old anxieties, making it hard to open up. The lack of trust feels like constant pressure, making any attempt at connection feel less like a safe space and more like a minefield. We walk on eggshells, afraid to cross a line, and as a result, the connection remains surface-level and guarded.
Overprotectiveness: Defending Against the Past
Baggage can cause us to become overprotective. When we’ve been hurt in the past, we become hyper-aware of every small detail, overanalysing every gesture and word. “This reminds me of the last person who hurt me, so this could end up in the same way.” This unconscious connection between the past and present can quickly turn innocent interactions into potential threats, leaving us unable to engage fully with others. Instead of seeing the person in front of us as they are, we see a reflection of our past wounds, which can prevent us from ever truly engaging.
The Challenge of Vulnerability and Intimacy
When we have felt overwhelmed in the past, we learn to build walls as a defence mechanism. We hide our true selves, guarding our authentic emotions for fear of getting hurt. But while it may seem protective, it has the opposite effect. We keep our real selves locked away, only allowing others to connect with the version of us that we create in order to keep us safe. This doesn’t allow for real depth or vulnerability. The more we guard ourselves, the more isolated we become, even though all we really want and need is to feel true connection.
Real intimacy requires vulnerability, but our baggage makes it very difficult to be vulnerable. Connection is about opening up and letting someone in. It’s about being able to show the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden, without fear. When our past experiences with intimacy were painful or disappointing, we start to see it as something dangerous rather than something connecting. The thought of someone getting too close feels overwhelming, so we hold back, avoid, or deflect. True closeness feels like a risk—one that might just lead to being hurt again.
The Cycle of Conflict: Unresolved Issues at Play
Baggage doesn’t just show up in the way we relate emotionally—it also shows up in how we deal with conflict. If we haven’t resolved our past issues, we tend to repeat them in new relationships. The slightest disagreement might spiral into something bigger because unresolved issues create patterns we don’t even recognise. We find ourselves reliving old battles—fighting over things that often have very little to do with the issue at hand. The result is a disconnection that feels cyclical and exhausting as if we’re never really able to move forward.
Transforming Baggage Into Growth
Our baggage is always going to be with us. It’s a part of who we are. But the good news is, it doesn’t have to dictate how we connect with others. With boundaries, containment, and strategies for nervous system regulation we can prevent past trauma from overwhelming the present. Clear boundaries create space and safety, allowing us to engage with others without feeling emotionally flooded. Containment helps manage the intense energy triggered by unresolved trauma, preventing under or over-reactions that feel distressing to you, and your partner.
Working on nervous system regulation can reduce reactivity and create space for connection. Healing isn’t about eliminating past wounds but learning to navigate them with self-awareness and the tools for internal stability.
When we integrate these tools, we move beyond survival mode and into healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By understanding our own nervous system and setting boundaries that protect us, we create relationships based on safety and authenticity, rather than fear and reactivity.