When most of us hear the word boundaries, we might imagine walls, distance, or disconnection. Many people feel that setting limits will push others away or make them seem cold, selfish, or unloving. But in truth, healthy boundaries are not barriers but bridges to deeper, safer, and more authentic intimacy. They allow us to bring our whole selves into relationships without fear of losing who we are.
Experts in trauma, attachment, and healing such as Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, and Judith Herman have shown us that saying no is not rejection. It is an act of self-care and, paradoxically, a pathway to deeper connection. Boundaries allow us to heal our dysregulated nervous systems and can help build the safety needed for intimacy.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are guidelines that help us protect our time, energy, and emotional safety. They let others know what we can and cannot accept, and they help us stay grounded in our values. Far from pushing others away, they give relationships clarity, honesty, and trust.
Judith Herman (1992), a psychiatrist specialising in trauma, describes recovery from trauma as a process of rebuilding safety, trust, and empowerment. Boundaries are essential to this rebuilding. They create containment, a sense of inner and outer safety that allows us to show up authentically without being overwhelmed.
Bessel van der Kolk (2014), author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma is often the result of having our boundaries violated, whether through physical harm, emotional neglect, or betrayal. Without boundaries, we often lose a sense of agency and connection to our own bodies. Reestablishing boundaries is a critical step in healing, as it restores our ability to feel safe, to say yes or no from a place of choice, and to trust others.
The Role of the Nervous System
Our boundaries are not just psychological, but embodied. The nervous system plays a central role in how we experience safety and connection. Polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges (2011), shows that our ability to connect with others depends on whether our nervous system feels safe. When we lack boundaries, our nervous system is more likely to remain in the survival states of fight, flight, or freeze.
By learning to set and honor boundaries, we give our nervous system containment. This containment helps us regulate emotions, reduce anxiety, and stay connected rather than overwhelmed. In essence, boundaries are a form of nervous system care. They tell our body that we are safe, seen and stable.
Saying No as an Act of Love
Many of us struggle to say no because we fear hurting others or being abandoned. But as Gabor Maté (2003) reminds us in When the Body Says No, suppressing our truth for the sake of harmony often leads to stress-related illness and emotional disconnection. The cost of avoiding boundaries is high, not only for our health, but for the depth of our relationships.
When we say no, we are not rejecting the other person, but are honoring both ourselves and the relationship. A no is an act of honesty. It lets others know who we truly are and what we can truly give. Without boundaries, intimacy is only a performance, but with them, intimacy is deep and genuine.
Boundaries and Attachment
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby (1969), emphasises that secure relationships are built on both closeness and autonomy. For intimacy to be nourishing, we need both connection and individuality. Without boundaries, we risk enmeshment, where identities blur and our needs are suppressed. With overly rigid boundaries, we risk isolation.
Healthy boundaries strike a balance. They say I am me, and you are you. We can be close without losing ourselves. This balance is the foundation of secure attachment in adulthood. It allows us to stay present in relationships even when conflicts arise, because we know that saying no does not mean the end of love.
Containment and Safety
In therapeutic settings, containment refers to the ability to hold and regulate emotions in a safe space. Boundaries provide this containment in daily life. They help us manage emotional intensity without becoming overwhelmed or shut down.
For survivors of trauma, containment is especially vital. Van der Kolk (2014) notes that trauma fragments the sense of self, making it difficult to regulate emotions. Boundaries offer a stabilising structure. They create a safe container for healing.
In relationships, this containment looks like being able to say I need a break right now or I can’t talk about this today. Far from pushing the other away, these boundary statements protect the relationship from burnout and resentment. They allow us to stay engaged in a way that is sustainable.
Boundaries Build Trust
Trust is not built by always agreeing or avoiding conflict. Trust is built when we can disagree safely, when we can say no without fear of retaliation, and when we can rely on others to respect our limits. Boundaries are what make this possible.
Judith Herman (1992) emphasises that trauma recovery involves the re-establishment of trust in both self and others. Boundaries play a crucial role in this process. They are the evidence that our no will be respected, that our needs matter, and that intimacy can exist without coercion.
Conclusion
Boundaries are not barriers to healthy love, they are the foundation of it. By saying no, we create the conditions for our nervous system to feel safe, for trust to grow, and for intimacy to be real. As van der Kolk, Maté, and Herman remind us, healing and connection require safety, honesty, and containment. Boundaries give us all three.
When we learn to set boundaries, we are not withdrawing from others, we are inviting them into a relationship that is deeper, truer, and more sustainable. In this way, boundaries are not the end of intimacy, but its beginning.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books. https://mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/ATTACHMENT_AND_LOSS_VOLUME_I_ATTACHMENT.pdf
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books. https://archive.org/details/judith-herman-trauma-and-recovery-the-aftermath-of-violence-from-domestic-abuse-
Maté, G. (2003). When the body says no: The cost of hidden stress. Wiley. https://www.planetayurveda.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/When-the-Body-Says-No-by-Gabor-Mate-1.pdf
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3490536/
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf
