Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships. Whether with a partner, friend, or family member, disagreements arise because we are each unique individuals with different needs, histories, and perspectives. While many of us fear it, conflict can actually be an opportunity for deeper intimacy if we approach it with co-regulation.
Co-regulation is the process when two nervous systems attune to one another, providing mutual safety and calm. Far from being a luxury, it is a biological necessity. Researchers like Stephen Porges, Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, and Deb Dana have highlighted the critical role of safe relationships in healing trauma and supporting nervous system health. When conflict arises, it is not resolution alone that heals, but the way we move through conflict together. With co-regulation, moments of disconnection can transform into moments of connection.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the dance of nervous systems in relationship. It is the shared process of calming, soothing, and staying present with one another. As babies, our survival depends on caregivers who can regulate us when we are distressed. This shows up as rocking us, holding us and speaking gently. This is not just emotional comfort, but is physiological regulation. Attachment theorist John Bowlby (1969) showed that secure attachment is built on these moments of safety and soothing.
In adulthood, we never outgrow the need for co-regulation. While self-regulation is important, neuroscience demonstrates that our nervous systems remain profoundly relational. Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory (2011) describes how the vagus nerve mediates our sense of safety and social connection. When we feel threatened, we enter states of fight, flight, or freeze. Co-regulation allows us to return to a state of safety more quickly than we could alone.
Conflict and the Nervous System
Conflict often activates our survival responses. A sharp tone, a raised voice, or a withdrawal of affection can feel threatening to our nervous system, especially if we carry histories of trauma. Bessel van der Kolk (2014), in The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma sensitises the nervous system, making it more reactive to cues of danger. For trauma survivors, even small relational ruptures may feel overwhelming.
This is why conflict feels so destabilising. Our nervous system interprets disconnection as danger. We might fight back with anger, flee the situation, or shut down emotionally. Without awareness, these reactions can escalate conflict further.
Co-regulation interrupts this cycle. By offering cues of safety, like softening our voice, making eye contact, or reaching out with a gentle touch, we signal to our partner’s nervous system messages like You are safe. I am here. This does not make disagreement disappear, but creates the conditions for open dialogue rather than defensiveness.
Trauma, Attachment, and Co-Regulation
Judith Herman (1992) emphasises that healing from trauma requires the restoration of safety, trust, and empowerment. Co-regulation is central to this process. When someone responds to our distress with presence rather than withdrawal or aggression, our nervous system begins to learn that conflict does not equal abandonment or danger.
Attachment theory helps us understand this further. Insecure attachment patterns often develop when early caregivers are inconsistent in co-regulating distress. As adults, these patterns can show up as fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting others, or withdrawal in conflict. But when we experience consistent co-regulation in adult relationships, it provides corrective emotional experiences. Over time, we can shift towards more secure ways of relating.
Peter Levine (1997) highlights that trauma lives in the body and that healing requires paying attention to physiological states. Co-regulation helps discharge survival energy and restore balance, reminding the body that safety is possible in connection. Similarly, Deb Dana (2018) has shown how applying polyvagal theory in everyday relationships helps people access cues of safety and build trust through small, consistent gestures of regulation.
The Healing Power of Co-Regulation
Conflict, approached with co-regulation, becomes an opportunity for growth. Instead of repeating cycles of disconnection, relationships become places where nervous systems learn safety, resilience, and intimacy. Co-regulation reminds us that we do not have to navigate distress alone. As Levine (1997) notes, trauma is not just the event but the lack of supportive presence, co-regulation provides that missing element. Dana (2018) adds that small, repeated experiences of co-regulation reshape the nervous system toward greater safety and connection.
In communities, families, and partnerships, co-regulation offers a blueprint for collective healing. Each time we pause, soften, validate, or repair, we model a way of being that ripples outward. Healing does not happen in isolation, it happens together.
Conclusion
Conflict is not a sign that love is broken. It is a natural part of human connection. What matters most is how we meet it. Through co-regulation, we can transform conflict from a threat into an opportunity. Guided by the wisdom of trauma experts like van der Kolk, Herman, Porges, Levine, and Dana, we can see that healing happens in relationship, through safety, attunement, and presence.
When we learn to co-regulate, we are not just resolving arguments. We are re-patterning our nervous systems, deepening intimacy, and building relationships rooted in trust. Conflict then becomes not something to fear, but something that, when navigated with care, can bring us closer together.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books. https://mindsplain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/ATTACHMENT_AND_LOSS_VOLUME_I_ATTACHMENT.pdf
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. Norton. https://catalog.nlm.nih.gov/discovery/fulldisplay/alma9917307643406676/01NLM_INST:01NLM_INST
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books. https://archive.org/details/judith-herman-trauma-and-recovery-the-aftermath-of-violence-from-domestic-abuse-
Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. North Atlantic Books. https://cmc.marmot.org/Record/.b10953930
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3490536/
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf
