Before the Words: Regulating the Nervous System Before Communicating

When we think about communication, we typically focus on what is said. The words, the tone, the phrasing. But beneath every exchange, especially the difficult ones, lies something even more fundamental, the nervous system. Before we speak, before we make sense of another person’s face or voice, our nervous system is already doing its work. It is scanning for safety, preparing for threat, and shaping how open we are for connection. Understanding this invisible landscape, the terrain before the words, helps us foster healthier communication and more healing relationships.

The Nervous System as Early Interpreter

In everyday life, we move through a subtle, ongoing process of interpretation. We glance at a tone, read a gesture, and instinctively respond. But these instinctive responses aren’t just cognitive. They are deeply physiological. Stephen Porges, the creator of Polyvagal Theory, describes the nervous system as an ever-present interpreter of safety cues (Porges, 2011). Long before we choose words, our bodies are asking questions like, Is this safe? Can I relax?

This underlying mechanism evolved to protect us. In moments of danger, our nervous system triggers fight, flight, or shutdown responses. These responses can look like shouting, withdrawing physically or emotionally, or freezing in place. Communication becomes secondary to survival. This is not a failure of communication, but is simply the body doing exactly what it was designed to do.

For many people, especially those with early experiences of inconsistency, neglect, or harm, the nervous system remains on alert even when danger is no longer present. Dr Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, emphasises that trauma is not stored as a narrative but as a pattern of bodily responses (van der Kolk, 2014). The nervous system remembers.

In relationships, this means that before we speak, our nervous system has already begun to speak for us. We may feel flooded, shut down, anxious, or defensive before a single word is exchanged. Recognising this is the first step towards genuine, healing communication.

Safety Comes Before Story

It’s tempting to think that improved communication skills, like better phrasing, more empathy, or clearer boundaries, are the primary solution to conflict. But if the nervous system is not regulated, good communication skills often fall flat. It is like trying to build a house on unstable ground. Mindfulness scholar and psychiatrist Dan Siegel talks about this as integrated regulation, which is the capacity to hold internal states while engaging with another (Siegel, 1999). When someone’s nervous system is dysregulated, their capacity for integration shrinks.

Imagine trying to explain your feelings while your heart rate is high, your body is tense, and your senses are focused on threat. Your mind may know what you want to say, but your nervous system is on red alert. In those moments, the words we choose are less important than the state we bring to the interaction.

This is where the idea before the words becomes vital. Before you talk about hurt, misunderstanding, or boundaries, your nervous system must first perceive that there is enough safety to stay present. Only then can honesty, curiosity, and vulnerability flourish.

Regulation as the Groundwork for Connection

Regulating the nervous system doesn’t require perfection or that we feel calm all the time. It simply means cultivating the capacity to notice when we are dysregulated, and to bring ourselves back toward calm and presence.

Different experts describe tools for this in different languages, but the underlying message is the same: that regulation is relational. Somatic trauma therapist Peter Levine describes healing as a process of completing interrupted responses (Levine, 1997). When the body was once caught in survival mode, without a chance to discharge tension, it remembers. Healing gives the body a chance to finish those reactions in safe contexts. This can look like slow breathing, grounding touch, or gentle movement. These practices return the nervous system to a state where connection is possible.

Polyvagal Theory highlights that safety cues from others, such as regulated voices, gentle eye contact and predictable rhythms, can help our nervous system shift from defence to engagement (Porges, 2011). The presence of another who is calm and attuned invites the body to relax. This is why relational healing, not just internal work, really matters.

Boundaries as a Regulation Tool

Boundaries often come up when communication breaks down. We think of boundaries as rules or limits. But boundaries also serve a deeper nervous system function, as they help us to predict safety. When we know what to expect from others, the nervous system feels less threatened. Daniel Siegel frames boundaries not as walls but as regulating markers that define healthy internal and external space (Siegel, 1999).

For someone whose early experiences lacked consistent boundaries, where needs were ignored or violated, setting a boundary can feel frightening. This is because, for the nervous system, boundaries were once absent, unpredictable, or unsafe. Healing involves slowly practising boundaries in contexts where others respond with respect and attunement. Over time, these experiences teach the body that this boundary keeps me safe, and it does not invite rejection.

When nervous systems feel safe before and during communication, boundaries can be expressed with clarity and compassion rather than urgency or fear.

Communication as Nervous System Dance

If words live on the surface, nervous system signals live beneath. Our physiological responses, such as heart rate, breath and muscle tension, can reveal truths that words cannot. Listening to the body’s state can deepen relational attunement. This means that before speaking, we can ask; What is my body telling me? Is this moment safe enough to speak from honesty?

This attention to the body reflects decades of research showing that interoception, or sensing internal states, enhances emotional awareness and empathy.