Healing is often described as an individual journey, which includes work on understanding our past, managing our emotions and learning to cope with life’s challenges. These things matter, but there is another essential part of healing that we can overlook, which is our relationships with other people.
Many of the experiences that shape us happen in relationships. We learn whether we are safe, whether our feelings matter and whether we can trust others. When relationships have been a source of fear, neglect or pain, their effects can influence how we connect with people throughout our lives. Yet relationships can also become a powerful part of recovery. We do not have to heal entirely alone. Often, learning to experience safety, trust and connection with another person is central to the process.
We Are Wired for Connection
Psychiatrist John Bowlby, whose work established attachment theory, explored how early relationships shape our expectations of safety, closeness and care. In Attachment and Loss (1969), he described attachment as a fundamental system through which children seek proximity to protective caregivers. When care is consistent and responsive, children gradually develop an expectation that support will be available when they need it. This provides a foundation for exploring the world and developing independence.
But when care is unpredictable, frightening or unavailable, children may develop different ways of managing distress and maintaining connection. They might become exceptionally self-reliant, learn to anticipate other people’s moods or suppress their own needs to avoid conflict. These responses are not character flaws. They can be adaptations to the relationships in which we grew up. Importantly, our early experiences do not determine our future. New relationships can offer opportunities to develop different expectations of ourselves and others.
When Connection Feels Unsafe
For people who have experienced relational trauma, connection can be both deeply desired and frightening. You might long to be understood but withdraw when somebody gets close. You may want to express your needs but feel guilty whenever you do. Perhaps you find it easier to care for others than to allow yourself to be cared for. These contradictions can make sense when we consider what our experiences have taught us to expect.
If closeness was associated with criticism or harm, intimacy may trigger vigilance. If expressing emotions led to rejection, vulnerability may feel dangerous. If nobody was reliably available during childhood distress, depending on another person may feel more threatening than managing everything alone. In Trauma and Recovery, psychiatrist Judith Herman (1992) explores how interpersonal trauma can undermine our sense of safety, trust and connection. Recovery involves not only processing painful experiences but also rebuilding our capacity for connection and agency. Understanding these patterns intellectually can be valuable, but insight alone may not change how we feel in our bodies. Sometimes we need repeated experiences of safe connection before our expectations begin to shift.
Nervous System Regulation and Co-Regulation
Our emotions are closely connected to our physiology. Stress and fear can influence our breathing, heart rate, muscle tension and levels of alertness. Nervous system regulation refers to our capacity to respond to stress, manage activation and recover when a challenge has passed. It does not mean being calm all the time. Rather, it involves developing flexibility and being able to mobilise when necessary and settle when circumstances allow. Importantly, regulation is not always something we achieve independently.
Co-regulation describes how people can support and influence one another’s emotional states through interaction. A calm voice, a respectful response or the experience of being listened to without judgement can help make distress feel more manageable. Stephen Porges’s polyvagal theory has also influenced trauma-informed approaches by drawing attention to the relationship between autonomic nervous system activity and social engagement, although aspects of its proposed mechanisms remain scientifically debated.
Together, these perspectives encourage us to recognise that our capacity to manage stress develops within a social world. Co-regulation does not mean another person is responsible for our feelings. Instead, supportive relationships can provide a foundation from which we develop greater self-regulation, resilience and emotional flexibility.
The Healing Power of Being Seen
One of the painful consequences of relational trauma can be the belief that we are alone with our experiences, or that our feelings are somehow unacceptable. Healing can begin when these beliefs meet something different. Psychiatrist Daniel Siegel’s work on interpersonal neurobiology explores how relationships and brain development interact to shape emotional regulation, self-understanding and connection (The Developing Mind, 2012).
A relationship in which we are listened to, respected and taken seriously can challenge the belief that our feelings are too much or that we must hide our vulnerability to remain connected. Sometimes healing happens when we express sadness and discover that the other person does not withdraw. Sometimes it happens when we say no and our boundary is respected. Sometimes it happens when we make a mistake and remain worthy of connection. These moments may seem ordinary, but they can help us develop new expectations about relationships.
Therapy as a Relationship That Supports Healing
For some people, therapy provides an opportunity to explore difficult experiences within a relationship built on respect, collaboration and appropriate boundaries.
Psychologist Edward Bordin (1979) identified the therapeutic alliance as involving agreement on goals, collaboration on tasks and the development of a bond between therapist and client. The therapeutic relationship is an important factor associated with psychotherapy outcomes.
For people affected by trauma, a consistent and compassionate therapeutic relationship can support emotional regulation, self-understanding and the gradual exploration of painful experiences. Healing does not require a relationship to be perfect. Misunderstandings happen. What matters is having the opportunity to acknowledge difficulties, understand their impact and work towards repair. The aim is not for a therapist to rescue us or manage every difficult feeling. It is to support greater agency and the ability to build meaningful relationships beyond the therapy room.
Connection Does Not Mean Staying in Unsafe Relationships
Healing in relationship does not mean remaining in relationships that harm us. Sometimes we have learned to maintain connection at the expense of our own wellbeing. We may believe that being loving means tolerating mistreatment or that boundaries make us selfish.
But healing can involve creating distance from unsafe relationships, learning to recognise trustworthy people or discovering that we can express our needs without abandoning ourselves. Healthy relationships allow room for difference, boundaries and independence. They offer connection without requiring us to sacrifice our identity.
Nor does everyone experience connection in the same way. Solitude can be restorative, trust takes time, and support should never be forced. The goal is to develop the freedom to choose connection and receive support without being governed entirely by fear.
We Do Not Have to Heal Alone
If you have spent much of your life managing everything independently, allowing others to support you may feel unfamiliar. You might begin by noticing who leaves you feeling respected rather than diminished. You could practise asking for help, sharing a small part of your experience or allowing yourself to receive kindness without immediately feeling obliged to repay it. If these experiences feel overwhelming, a qualified, trauma-informed therapist may help you explore them at a manageable pace.
Healing can involve individual reflection, practical support, nervous system regulation and time alone. But it can also involve discovering that we can turn towards another person without losing ourselves. We are shaped by our relationships, and relationships can help us change. Through safe connection, we can learn that vulnerability does not have to lead to rejection, disagreement does not always mean abandonment and independence does not require isolation. We may have been hurt in relationship, but we can also heal in relationship. We do not have to face everything alone to become whole.
References
Bordin, E. S. (1979). The generalizability of the psychoanalytic concept of the working alliance. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 16(3), 252–260. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0085885
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books. https://dn760102.eu.archive.org/0/items/attachmentlossvo00john/attachmentlossvo00john.pdf
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books. https://ia803207.us.archive.org/14/items/radfem-books/Trauma%20and%20Recovery_%20The%20Afterm%20-%20Judith%20L.%20H
Porges, S. W. (2007). The polyvagal perspective. Biological Psychology, 74(2), 116–143. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2006.06.009
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. https://archive.org/details/developingmindho0000sieg
