Perfection is a seductive myth. It tells us that if we say the right thing, love in the right way, parent without flaw, or never lose our temper, we can finally feel safe and worthy. But human beings are not designed to be perfect. We are designed to be in relationships with others, which can never be perfect. In relationships, arguments, issues, or ruptures are inevitable. What matters most is not that ruptures happen, but that we learn how to repair them.
The Illusion of Perfection
Many of us carry invisible burdens from our past. These burdens or baggage, often the residue of trauma, try to teach us that safety lies in controlling ourselves and others. If we could only get it “right,” then perhaps we could avoid the shame of disconnection. Yet trauma, as Bessel van der Kolk (2014) reminds us, lives in the body and the nervous system, not just the mind. No amount of perfectionism can erase a dysregulated nervous system. The search for flawlessness can actually drive us further from the very connection we long for and need in order to heal past trauma.
Rupture as Part of Life
In attachment theory, ruptures are understood as natural breaks in connection between parent and child. Mary Ainsworth’s (1979) early research showed how even securely attached children experience moments of separation, frustration, or misunderstanding. But what distinguished secure attachment from insecurity was not the absence of rupture, but the presence of repair. When caregivers returned, soothed, and re-established connection, children learned that relationships could withstand imperfection.
The same principle applies in adult relationships. Whether with partners, friends, colleagues, or therapists, conflict and misunderstanding are unavoidable. But the main question is, can we find our way back to each other? Can we repair and heal?
The Role of the Nervous System
Polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges (2011), has given us a profound lens for understanding rupture and repair. When we experience conflict or feel misunderstood, our nervous system may shift into defensive states, known as fight, flight, or freeze. In these moments, it is as though an invisible lion has walked into the room. Our biology prepares us to survive by lashing out, fleeing, or collapsing. This is not an individual failing, but in fact the ancient code of our survival system for self-protection.
The task, then, is not to shame ourselves for dysregulation, but to recognise that the lion is not really here. Practices of co-regulation, such as being soothed by the presence of another safe person can help our nervous system to stand down. Repair becomes possible when one or both people can quiet the imagined lion and re-open the channel of connection. As Deb Dana (2018) writes, our nervous systems are designed for connection, and safety is found not in perfection, but in our capacity to return.
Repair as Healing
For those of us carrying trauma, repair has an even deeper significance. Traumatic experiences are, at their core, ruptures without repair; they are moments when the lion was real, or at least felt real, and no one came to chase it away. This absence of repair leaves an imprint on the nervous system, teaching it to expect abandonment or danger rather than safety.
In therapy and in life, each successful repair offers the nervous system new evidence: that the lion is not always waiting, that disconnection does not have to be permanent, that anger does not always end in abandonment, that love can survive imperfection. This is the slow work of healing trauma. Repair is not just relational, but neurological. Each act of repair lays down new neural pathways, re-shaping our expectations of the world.
Letting Go of Perfection
Letting go of perfectionism is not about lowering standards or accepting harmful behaviour. It is about recognising that the vitality of a relationship lies in its ability to withstand rupture. As Donald Winnicott (1960) wrote, the “good enough” mother is the one who provides care that is sufficient, not flawless. It is the good enough therapist, partner, or friend who can acknowledge rupture, take responsibility, and move toward repair.
When we cling to perfection, we leave no room for repair. We demand of ourselves and others a standard that suffocates growth. When we allow rupture to be part of the story, we create the conditions for repair, resilience and trust.
The Education of Repair
The real lesson of repair is not a set of steps to be memorised but an orientation to life itself. Repair is not a trick we deploy when things go wrong; it is the very fabric of a relationship. We are born into rupture and repair, and it is in this rhythm that the nervous system learns safety. Trauma interrupts this rhythm. It teaches us that rupture is final, that repair will not come. This is why we become perfectionistic, and we fear that one mistake will mean permanent loss. But healing lies in discovering, over and over, that repair is possible. When rupture is met with understanding, when dysregulation is met with co-regulation, the nervous system begins to trust again. The body learns that the lion is not always real, that survival does not depend on perfection but on connection. And it is here, in this lived experience of repair, that growth becomes possible.
Conclusion
Healing does not come through perfection. It comes through rupture and repair. Each time we return from disconnection, we strengthen the fabric of our relationships and the resilience of our nervous systems. For trauma survivors, this process can be profoundly transformative, rewriting the story that disconnection is permanent. In truth, we are not made to be perfect, but we can learn to be resilient and use the practice of repairing ruptures to heal and grow.
References
Ainsworth, M.D.S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American Psychologist, 34(10), 932–937. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.34.10.932 https://local.psy.miami.edu/faculty/dmessinger/c_c/rsrcs/rdgs/attach/ainsworth.1979.amer_psych.pdf
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company. https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=vzFeDwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PT6&dq=Dana,+D.+(2018).+The+Polyvagal+Theory+in+Therapy:+Engaging+the+Rhythm+of+Regulation.&ots=MqGtPIgGbr&sig=zYp6LiTMHpO2V4KwtfCpXtsprsU#v=onepage&q=Dana%2C%20D.%20(2018).%20The%20Polyvagal%20Theory%20in%20Therapy%3A%20Engaging%20the%20Rhythm%20of%20Regulation.&f=false
Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.https://archive.org/details/polyvagaltheoryn0000porg/page/352/mode/2up
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf
Winnicott, D.W. (1960). The theory of the parent–infant relationship. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41, 585–595. https://tcf-website-media-library.s3.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/21095241/Winnicott-D.-1960.-The-Theory-of-the-Parent-Infant-Relationship.-International-Journal-of-Psycho-Analysis.-411.-pp.585-595-1.pdf
